The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women
by Shade Wolf
Summary: Finally updated, and all three of my fans should really care. Meh, do what you like, just remember that there's a special surprise in store if you do read...
1. Part I

Notes: This fic is pretty much a weird one. It takes all of the main characters from MGS and MGS2: SOL and puts them into an elite unit, headed by the mysterious Colonel... it assumes that both of the games have happened, but none of the characters have met each other, and they're all alive! Emma, Meryl and Fortune have met each other, though. This may seem like a contradiction in itself, but I don't give a shit. I write.  
  
Disclaimer: Until further notice, the Metal Gear series and the works of Alan Moore (writer of the original League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, buy it today!) do not, and never have been, owned by Shade Wolf Enterprises.  
  
(opening credits)  
  
Shade Ippikiookami Enterprises and Fade Ishiwagi present...  
  
The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women  
  
Based On An Idea in The Fic 'Behind The Game- Metal Gear Solid 2'  
  
Directed by Simon Wolf  
  
Produced by Simon Wolf  
  
Screenplay by Simon Wolf  
  
The Guy to Test Whether It's Funny or Not was Morgan Priestnall  
  
The Guy Who Ranted On About The Awesomeness of Dynasty Warriors During The Production of This was Morgan Priestnall  
  
(screen fades to black; it fades back in to see Meryl, Fortune and Emma sitting on a couch in front of a speakerphone)  
  
Speakerphone: Good morning girls.  
  
Emma, Fortune and Meryl: Good morning Colonel!  
  
Speakerphone: What am I doing talking to you over the speakerphone?  
  
Emma: No idea, Colonel.  
  
Speakerphone: Hold on. (pause) I think I'm naked.  
  
Fortune: Please don't go into details.  
  
Meryl: (changing subject) What's our mission for today?  
  
Speakerphone: Mission? Oh yes! Your mission. Your mission is to go and bring back 15 completely unknown people who have no skills whatsoever so that they can... umm... (pause) I've got it! So that they can take a group of children to the Candy, Fireworks and Puppies store!  
  
Emma: Why are you such a chronic liar?  
  
Speakerphone: (starts crying) I have no idea! It just started with telling my wife that she didn't look fat in that dress, then I said that Shadow Moses wasn't really of any importance... I just can't give it up!  
  
Fortune: Then tell us what our mission is.  
  
Speakerphone: Oh yes. Your mission is to group together 15 of the best agents in their own fields for a top-secret mission that has nothing to do with the Patriots.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Speakerphone: ALRIGHT! They have to go and find information on the Patriots. And anything else. Oh yes, and there will be some extreme danger involved. And some members of a new group, known as 'Small-Fluffy-Animals-Hound'.  
  
Emma: Sounds fun.  
  
Speakerphone: It will be! Now then, go get these people. (disconnects)  
  
(long pause)  
  
Speakerphone: (re-connects) The list is under the couch. (disconnects)  
  
Fortune: I hate that guy.  
  
Emma: C'mon, let's go see who we have to find! (she looks under the couch and pulls out a piece of paper with 13 names on it)  
  
Meryl: Who do we have to find?  
  
Emma: Umm... 'Solid Snake', 'Liquid Snake'...  
  
Fortune: 'Solidus Snake', 'Raiden', 'Hal Emmerich'...  
  
Meryl: 'Rose Merry', 'Revolver Ocelot', 'Decoy Octopus'...  
  
Emma: 'Vulcan Raven', 'Sniper Wolf', 'Psycho Mantis'...  
  
Fortune: 'Vamp', 'Fatman', 'Grey Fox', and... what's this? 'Semen'?  
  
(Fortunes mobile phone rings; she answers)  
  
Fortune: Hello?  
  
Phone: IT'S SEA MAN! (disconnects)  
  
Emma: That's odd.  
  
Meryl: Shall we go find them?  
  
Fortune: Yes! And I bagsie finding this Semen guy!  
  
(a brick flies through the window. Fortune picks it up and reads the note attached)  
  
Fortune: (reading aloud) 'IT'S SEA MAN!' (puts down brick) He must be pretty strong, we're on the 30th floor.  
  
Emma: He must have good aim, and no life.  
  
Meryl: Can we go now?  
  
Fortune: Fine.  
  
(screen fades out- fade back in to see Meryl walking down a dark alley)  
  
Meryl: That old man told me I could find Solid Snake in here...  
  
(a dark, deep and husky voice speaks behind her)  
  
Voice: Welcome, young lady, to the lair of a foul creature, one who has betrayed the way of the light and has fallen into the shadow. Welcome to the Lair Of The Snake! (suddenly, the voice starts hacking and coughing)  
  
Meryl: Shit... (passes a bottle of water into the shadows. A hand reaches out and takes the water. Drinking noises are heard)  
  
Voice: Ahh... (passes the now-empty bottle out to Meryl) (now just husky) You have no idea how much it hurts to talk like that... (the source of the voice steps out- it's Solid Snake)  
  
Meryl: Solid Snake?  
  
Snake: (lights a cigarette) That's my name, don't wear it out. (pulls out a pistol and aims it at Meryls head) Seriously, don't wear it out.  
  
Meryl: Ok... I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission.  
  
Snake: Sounds good. (follows Meryl out of the alley)  
  
(fades out; fade back in to see Fortune walking into a large conference room. Much arguing is going on)  
  
Outraged Person: Mr.Speaker, I'm afraid that your theories are both illogical and very gay and British!  
  
Speaker: (speaks in a gay, British voice) But don't you see? We're all affected by... (camera pans over to the speaker, who is revealed as Liquid Snake) GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!  
  
(Fortune runs down to the speaking area)  
  
Fortune: (to Liquid) Look, I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission involving things.  
  
Liquid: Hmm... no. I don't do 'things'.  
  
Fortune: But... uh... it's actually a mission filled with... uh... genetic experiments?  
  
Liquid: I think you mean 'GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!'. Note the capital letters. They mean that it's louder then normal.  
  
Fortune: Can we leave now? Before the crowd comes down and lynch you.  
  
Liquid: Fine.  
  
(they both exit the conference room)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Emma and a guard outside a cell in an Asylum)  
  
Guard: Yep, he's in there. You won't get much out of him though, especially after he watched 'Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers'.  
  
Emma: Ok... (puts her ear to the door and listens to what's going on inside)  
  
Voice: I damn them... Only I may damn them all... DAMN THE PATRIOTS! But precious will protect me... (a squeaking noise is heard) Yes, precious...  
  
Emma: (opens the door) Mr. Solidus?  
  
(camera moves onto the insane man- it's Solidus Snake)  
  
Solidus: Whats does she wants, precious? (squeezes a stuffed bear he's holding)   
  
Bear: *squeak!*  
  
Solidus: Good idea, precious...  
  
Emma: Umm, I'm here to collect you for a top-secret mission...  
  
Solidus: Shoulds we goes, precious?  
  
Bear: *squeak!*  
  
Solidus: Filthy stinking Patriots, trying to write history how they wants it... *cough solidus cough solidus*  
  
Bear: *squeak!*  
  
Emma: Let's go.  
  
Solidus: Rights we ares, precious!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl and Snake walking up a beach.)  
  
Snake: Are we there yet?  
  
Meryl: No.  
  
Snake: Damn! (pause) Are we there yet?  
  
Meryl: No!  
  
Snake: Are we there... (pause) YET?  
  
Meryl: NO!  
  
Snake: I wonder how much longer this is going to take... if Otacon was here, (turns to camera) whoever HE is, (winks, then turns back to Meryl) he would've invented some weird device to tell us how much further to go. Stupid little nerd...  
  
(an albino man jumps out from midair and lands in front of Snake)  
  
Albino: Did you say 'nerd'? (he raises his head, and is revealed to be Raiden)  
  
Snake: NO I DID N-... wait... (looks back at script) SHIT! He was right, stupid little-  
  
Raiden: I may be a gay, communist, stupid, fashion designer/porn star, but I am NOT the Little Mermaid!  
  
Meryl: Huh?  
  
Snake: Yeah, I kinda lost it after the 'gay' bit, anyway.  
  
Raiden: Aww...  
  
Meryl: So... you wanna join up in our top-secret special operations team?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, I guess.  
  
(a gay man comes running down the beach to them)  
  
Gay Man: Wait! Oh, god, you just have to wait!  
  
Raiden: (turns to look at man) Tony?  
  
Tony: Yes, it's me! (reaches Raiden and passes him a lunchbox) I made you a Caesar salad, extra croutons...  
  
Raiden: Aww!  
  
Tony: And I packed your favourite juice and a special treat!  
  
Raiden: Bye!  
  
Tony: Kisses! (he and Raiden kiss each other) Bye you!  
  
(Meryl and Raiden walk down the beach)  
  
Snake: So, you're gay?  
  
Tony: (does that gay hand thing) Is it THAT obvious?  
  
Snake: (pulls out a gun and shoots Tony) Heh... (runs after Meryl and Raiden)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune and Liquid walking into a Russian bar)  
  
Liquid: I hate Russians...  
  
(silence- pistols are heard being loaded)  
  
Liquid: I mean, I hate... Russians WHO... enjoy... umm... the occasional... grapefruit?  
  
(silence)  
  
Russian 1: Me too.  
  
Russian 2: I hate grapefruits in all their forms!  
  
(every Russian in the place starts yelling agreements)  
  
Russian 3: Where's Lenin when you need him? He would help us make a revolution against the unfair grapefruit rulers!  
  
(a wall smashes down- a zombie Lenin is seen stumbling through the wall)  
  
Zombie Lenin: Rargh! Must... crush... grapefruit!  
  
(as Lenin walks out, the other Russians follow, leaving one behind)  
  
Fortune: I take it that you're Ocelot?  
  
(the last Russian raises his head- it is indeed Ocelot)  
  
Ocelot: They call me Revolver... Revolver...  
  
(Snake pops his head in the door)  
  
Snake: Ocelot?!  
  
(Snake leaves)  
  
Ocelot: I hate that guy. (raises right arm- his trench coat sleeve falls down, revealing his Liquid arm)  
  
Liquid: Say, that arm looks familiar...  
  
(Ocelot turns his head to the camera, winks, then turns back)  
  
Ocelot: And please meet my friend... (he goes into convulsions; he then stops and looks at Liquid in an odd way)  
  
Liquid: And who are you?  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Call me Liquid... Liquid-  
  
(Snake pops his head in the door)  
  
Snake: Ocelot?!  
  
(Snake leaves)  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Why does he do that? (he turns his head to the camera, winks, then turns back)  
  
Liquid: Say, you sound gay and British.  
  
Liquid Ocelot: I am.  
  
Fortune: Look, are you going to join our group or not?  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Fine. (has convulsions and starts speaking like a Russian again) I'm back. It's me, Revolver.  
  
Fortune: Shall we go now?  
  
Ocelot: Fine by me.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Emma walking along, with Solidus scampering behind her)  
  
Solidus: Are we theres yets?  
  
Emma: For the last time, NO! (looks around) We were supposed to meet Decoy Octopus here...  
  
(Solidus' teddy bear wriggles out of Solidus' hands and walks up to Emma)  
  
Teddy: I'm Decoy Octopus.  
  
Solidus: Precious!  
  
Decoy: Your 'precious' currently down in old Soho, (pulls out guitar and starts playing it) where he'll drink champagne that tastes just like Coca-Cola... some one will ask for his name... he'll reply...  
  
Solidus: Precious!  
  
Emma: That was a bad reference.  
  
Decoy: Could you turn around for a moment while I change into something more... suitable?  
  
Emma: Fine... (turns around)  
  
(5 minutes later...)  
  
Decoy: Done.  
  
Emma: Finally... (turns around and sees Elmo) Elmo?  
  
Elmo: No, it's me, Decoy Octopus. I find that this costume attracts the least attention.  
  
(Decoy, Emma and Solidus start walking down the street, and pass by a small child and his mother)  
  
Child: Mummy! I just saw Elmo, and he gave me the finger!  
  
Mother: Of course you did, sweetie. Now let's go off to our good friend Dr. Shock Therapy...  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl, Snake and Raiden sitting watching a basketball court.)  
  
Snake: When does the game start?  
  
Meryl: In a minute...  
  
Raiden: (eating salad) Why are we here?  
  
Meryl: *sigh* To recruit Vulcan Raven.  
  
Snake: Hey, did you notice that about half of the people on that list of yours have some odd code name? Now, maybe it's just me, but surely we would have some recollection about how the hell me and two other guys are called Snake. Don't make no- (a basketball flies up and smashes him in the head) Ouchie... (collapses)  
  
Meryl: Oh good, the game is starting...  
  
Announcer: That it is! Moving on, here comes the home team, the Wyverns! (five guys wearing black basketball uniforms run on) Number 12, Jordan! Number 15, Pawsey! Number 2, Redfern! Number 5, Van De Vusse! And number 7, Zach!  
  
Raiden: They're all so ugly...  
  
Announcer: And because the away team all ran away after pissing their pants, let's bring on the table tennis B team! (four guys in yellow and blue uniforms run on) The ugly shaved headed one, Moore! The tall, pimply black haired one, something! The goofy looking guy with the glasses, Priestnall! And that other guy, Gough!  
  
Crowd Member: They only have four players!  
  
Announcer: And finally, the fifth B team table tennis player... VULCAN RAVEN!  
  
(Vulcan Raven runs on, carrying his huge Vulcan Cannon)  
  
Raven: Other... team... will... now... be... returned... to... mother... earth! (opens fire- the Wyverns die)  
  
Announcer: In a surprise victory, the table tennis team wins!  
  
(Meryl walks down stairs and talks to Vulcan Raven. He nods, and then he, Meryl, Snake and Raiden walk off)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune, Liquid and Ocelot walking up to a wolf breeder)  
  
Liquid: Wolves, eh?  
  
Ocelot: Breeder, eh?  
  
Liquid: I am Canadian, eh?  
  
Ocelot: A little slow, eh?  
  
Fortune: Shutup, the both of you.  
  
Liquid: I wonder if these wolves are breed by... GENETIC EXPERIMENTS?!  
  
Fortune: Why did I have to get you, for christsakes?!  
  
Ocelot: Quiet, we're nearly there...  
  
(they enter the wolf-breeding centre. Inside they find a disco, with laser light, colourful floor, a disco ball, etc... They see numerous wolves dancing, with Sniper Wolf and John Travolta dancing in the centre)  
  
Liquid: A disco?  
  
(Sniper Wolf and John Travolta stop dancing and walk up to the three)  
  
Sniper Wolf: Well, after a long day of hunting and eating, they need a place to relax, and perhaps meet someone nice.  
  
(camera pans over to a young male wolf and a young female wolf)  
  
Male Wolf: Hi!  
  
Female Wolf: (turns her head away blushes) Hi...  
  
(camera moves back to the five)  
  
Liquid: But still, a disco?!  
  
Sniper: (shrugs) What can I say? They're wolves. They love the nightlife.  
  
John Travolta: They like to boogie.  
  
Ocelot: You be quiet. What are you doing here anyway?  
  
John: Can't you tell by the way I walk that I'm a ladies man, no time to talk?  
  
Ocelot: (shoots John)  
  
Sniper: Aww...  
  
Fortune: You want to join our secret covert operations group?  
  
Sniper: But what about my wolves?  
  
Fonz: I'll take care of them, Miss S, aehhhhh?  
  
Sniper: I can always count on you, Fonz.  
  
Fonz: Aehhhh!  
  
(Sniper, Fortune, Liquid and Revolver exit)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Emma, Solidus and Decoy, still dressed as Elmo, walking up to a Fortune Tellers booth)  
  
Emma: Here we are!  
  
Decoy: Good.  
  
Solidus: You hears that, precious? We're here!  
  
Teddy: *squeak!*  
  
Decoy: I'm so going to kill you.  
  
Emma: Shutup!  
  
(a muffled voice calls from inside the booth)  
  
Voice: Come in, child...  
  
(Emma enters. Inside is Psycho Mantis)  
  
Emma: By the above note, I take it you're Psycho Mantis.  
  
Mantis: That is I...  
  
Emma: Can you please come with us?  
  
Mantis: Hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... in exchange for a picture of some cute puppy.  
  
Emma: (opens her wallet and pulls out a picture) Here...  
  
Mantis: (takes the picture) Aww, he's so cutesy-bootsey!  
  
Emma: Go now?  
  
Mantis: Fine...  
  
(Emma and Mantis exit)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl, Snake, Raiden and Raven all sitting outside a bisexual bar)  
  
Snake: Why aren't any of us in here?  
  
Raiden: (drinking from a juice box) I'm straight.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Raiden: Straight up gay, I mean.  
  
Meryl: Well, I'm straight.  
  
Snake: Well then, would you care to join me for an old fashioned drink, followed by a night in my hotel room?  
  
Robot: Danger! Danger! Meryl Silverburgh!  
  
Snake: Blasted machine!  
  
Raven: To... the... native... Americans,... a... homosexual... man... was... known... as... a... member... of... the... third... sex. They... were... highly... regarded,... as... they...  
  
(5 hours later)  
  
Raven: ... and... that's... why... your... mother... has... a... huge... ass.  
  
Snake: (sleeping)  
  
Meryl: Huh?  
  
Raiden: (excited) Please, continue!  
  
Snake: (wakes up) There he is! (points at the door to the bisexual bar. Seen exiting is Vamp)  
  
Meryl: Finally...  
  
(Vamp walks up to Raiden)  
  
Vamp: Hey there, hot stuff.  
  
Raiden: (looks away and blushes) Hi...  
  
Meryl: Hi!  
  
Vamp: (looks over at Meryl) Hello...  
  
Meryl: Don't even think about it, Vamp. We're here to recruit you to join our coalition-  
  
(George Bush pops his head out of the gay bar next to the bisexual bar)  
  
George Bush: Of The Willing?!  
  
Meryl: No, you fucking idiot!  
  
George: Aww... (goes back inside the gay bar)  
  
(cut to Shade and Fade)  
  
Fade: You do realise how many Bush patriots you're going to get flamed by?  
  
Shade: Tell 'em to go suck on a lemon.  
  
Fade: AKA George's ass?  
  
Shade: They're both sour, yellow, covered in pockmarks and have nothing but bitter juice inside 'em.  
  
Fade: All the more flames for you! I'm going to go play Dynasty Warriors!  
  
(cut to Meryl, Vamp, Snake and Raven)  
  
Vamp: Wow, that was a very good summary of why George Bush sucks balls. Mainly mine.  
  
Meryl: You in this group or not?  
  
Vamp: Fine...  
  
(they all walk off)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Fortune, Liquid, Ocelot and Sniper walking up to a huge warehouse. A sign reading "ALL FOR FATMAN!" has been placed over the original sign for a candy, cookies and lollies factory)  
  
Ocelot: I take it that we've reached the right place?  
  
Liquid: You can say that again.  
  
Ocelot: I take it that we've reached the right place?  
  
Liquid: (pause) Once more, with feeling!  
  
Ocelot: I take it that-  
  
Fortune: SHUT IT!  
  
Sniper: I agree.  
  
Fortune: Holy shit, I forgot that you were here. It's so good to know that another woman is here.  
  
Ocelot: I think I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.  
  
(Ocelot screams and goes into spasms. He recovers, and stands back up, his right forearm throbbing)  
  
Liquid Ocelot: No, I'm gay! HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Fortune: I think I prefer the old Russian guy. And why are you here anyway? According to 'Metal Gear Solid- A Guide To Completely Undermine This Fanfic' by M. Priestnall, you shouldn't have that arm, because Liquid is still alive.  
  
Liquid Ocelot: We have to have a reference to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde in here somewhere.  
  
Fortune: Forget everything I said.  
  
Sniper: Are we going inside that place or not?  
  
Liquid: Fine...  
  
(they enter the warehouse- inside we see Fatman gorging himself on cookies)  
  
Fatman: Mmgraw... (notices the others) No! All for Fatman! (keeps eating, but faster)  
  
Fortune: We're here to get you to join our elite group where you'll... uh... get every cookie you've ever desired?  
  
(Fatman stops eating, and walks over to Fortune and the others)  
  
Fatman: EVERY cookie, you say?  
  
Fortune: Err... yes?  
  
Fatman: Excellent. What are we waiting for? Let's go and start the party!  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Yes... at this party will we be allowed to perform...  
  
Liquid: GENETIC EXPERIMENTS?!  
  
Liquid Ocelot: Just what I was thinking.  
  
(they all exit)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Otacon standing on a street corner)  
  
Otacon: She said she wanted to meet me here...  
  
(a limousine drives up and parks next to Otacon. One of the back doors open)  
  
Otacon: Umm, your door flew open... (pause) Would you like me to close it? (pause) It'd be not trouble, but-  
  
(Otacon is thrown into the car and the door closes. The limo begins to drive off. Inside limo, we see Otacon sitting directly opposite Elmo)  
  
Elmo: Greetings, Hal.  
  
Otacon: ELMO?!  
  
Elmo: ... No Otacon, I'm not your favourite Muppet. I'm actually a secret agent, here to hire you to join our elite group.  
  
Otacon: Oh... are you sure you're not Elmo?  
  
Decoy: I'M SURE! Now then, you have two options.  
  
Otacon: They are...?  
  
Decoy: Your first option is to join us, and live happily. And if you decide not to join us, we'll force you anyway.  
  
Otacon: So... I have no choice in this...  
  
Decoy: Not really.  
  
(the drivers' window slides down- Solidus is driving, Mantis is alongside him)  
  
Solidus: Hey, Otacon, you want to stop for some pasta?!  
  
Otacon: Oooh, that sounds good!  
  
Decoy: Trust me Otacon, you don't want to get involved in this...  
  
Solidus: No, Elmo, he wants pasta! Right, Otacon?  
  
Otacon: Well... I guess-  
  
(Mantis suddenly interrupts)  
  
Mantis: (to Solidus) No Solidus! Nobody wants pasta! We've pasta for the last week now! I want something different, like... Chinese!  
  
Solidus: You're crazy! CRAZY! (waving his hands in the air) LIKE THE PATRIOTS! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!  
  
Decoy: SOLIDUS, WATCH THE ROAD!  
  
(suddenly, a smash, a cat yelping and a woman screaming are heard. The car lights go out, and then come back on again)  
  
Solidus: Uh... don't worry, it was just a pothole... I think we best drive off now. Forget everything.  
  
Mantis: I'll help with that...   
  
Decoy: (looks around) Where's Emma?  
  
Solidus: Oh, she's in the boot.  
  
Mantis: To escape from our insanity.  
  
Otacon: I don't blame her.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl and Rose)  
  
Rose: So you want me to join your guild of top agents?  
  
Meryl: Yeah.  
  
Rose: Sounds good.  
  
Meryl: (pause) Yeah, I guess you'd think that.  
  
Rose: Why? What's the downside?  
  
Meryl: You haven't met the others...  
  
(cut to Snake and Raven)  
  
Snake: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.  
  
Raven: What...?  
  
Snake: Hit me, as hard as you can.  
  
Raven: I... don't... want... to... hit... you.  
  
Snake: Hit me!  
  
Raven: What... the... fuck... for...?  
  
Snake: I'm bored. I wanna know how it feels to be punched in the face   
  
Raven: Ugh...  
  
Snake: Really hard.  
  
Raven: Alright,... I'll... do... it...  
  
(Raven hits Snake in the face, sending Snakes body flying through the air and into the wall)  
  
(pause)  
  
Raven: Well... ?... How... was... it...?  
  
Snake: (hurting) Shall we do something else now?  
  
(fade out; fade in to Fortune, Liquid, Ocelot, Fatman and Sniper walking into the main chamber of an undersea lair)  
  
Fatman: Amazing how we bypassed all that security, guards and alarms without getting traced at all.  
  
Ocelot: Now we enter the main lair of Semen...  
  
(a voice emanates from the main chamber)  
  
Voice: IT'S SEA MAN!  
  
(everyone enters the main chamber. Seen sitting in a huge, comfy armchair is Sea Man)  
  
Sea Man: Why doesn't anybody get my name right?  
  
Fortune: Well, if you join our group, then you... umm... will get the chance to... err... change your name?  
  
Sea Man: To Semen?  
  
Fortune: Yes?  
  
Sea Man: That's stupid, but alright!  
  
Liquid Ocelot: You're developing the Colonels habit of lying.  
  
Fortune: Shut it...  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Emma, Solidus, Decoy [still dressed as Elmo], Mantis and Otacon walking up to theatre- displayed as the current play is 'In The Darkness Of Shadow Moses- The Musical'. They enter, and see an audience in front of a stage. On the stage, a naked man sits on a bench. In front of him is a man in a full Colonel uniform, and a woman in a lab coat.)  
  
Naked Man: (singing)  
  
I'm retired now  
  
You can't make me go now!  
  
I'm a sledder,  
  
No one's better!  
  
Colonel: (singing)  
  
But you'll do this mission for me...!  
  
(Emma and the rest of the group sit down)  
  
(3 hours later...)  
  
(Grey Fox is pinned to a wall by the nose of a very fake Metal Gear Rex. An actor portraying Solid Snake is aiming a Stinger Missile Launcher at Grey Fox)  
  
British Voice [Liquid]: (singing)  
  
Snake!  
  
This mans life you're letting me take!  
  
Brother!  
  
This man here will meet his mother!  
  
Solid Snake: (singing)  
  
A cornered fox  
  
Is more dangerous then a jackal!  
  
At the end of this  
  
On YOUR grave I'll cackle!  
  
Grey Fox: (singing)  
  
Do it now, before it's too late!  
  
Fire the Stinger, you stupid ingrate!  
  
Liquid: (singing)  
  
Can you really fire?  
  
He'll die as well-  
  
The situation is dire!  
  
DIE!  
  
Grey Fox: (singing)  
  
For the government  
  
We are not tools!  
  
Nor to anyone else-  
  
We are no fools!  
  
(wavering)  
  
But...  
  
At least I always fought...  
  
For what I believed in...  
  
(dies)  
  
Liquid: (singing)  
  
Foolish man!  
  
He prayed for eternal rest  
  
And now it has found him  
  
You may be the best  
  
But now you will join him!  
  
(an hour later...)  
  
(the actor portraying Solid Snake sits on a snowmobile with an actor portraying Meryl)  
  
Meryl: (singing)  
  
Until today,  
  
I've only lived for myself.  
  
But now skies aren't grey-  
  
You're the new thing in my life.  
  
Solid Snake: (singing)  
  
Let's go find our new path in life,  
  
One free of clutter, and no more strife  
  
Meryl: (speaking) I think I'm gonna like this new life...  
  
(the snowmobile is dragged off by strings, along with Meryl and Snake)  
  
Female Voice Over: The end.  
  
(audience goes wild- cheering, clapping, yelling... we move over to see the face of Solidus, who is crying)  
  
Solidus: That was beautiful...  
  
(the cast come to the stage, and all bow)  
  
Emma: Grey Fox!  
  
(Grey Fox jumps down and walks over)  
  
Grey Fox: Yeah?  
  
Emma: Would you like to join our elite organization?  
  
Grey Fox: This is rather short notice, but yes!  
  
(everyone exits)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see everyone amassed around the speakerphone in the main HQ)  
  
Speakerphone: Good morning, everyone.  
  
Everyone: Good morning Colonel!  
  
Speakerphone: In case you were wondering, I'm still naked.  
  
Emma: Just get to the point.  
  
Speakerphone: Oh yes! Now then, let's move on to why I chose you 18.  
  
Snake: I think we figured that out by ourselves.  
  
Speakerphone: Quiet, you! Now then, first off we have Emma, Meryl and Fortune. The reason I chose them was because they all had hot asses.  
  
Fortune: Damn right!  
  
Speakerphone: Next, we have Solid Snake. He is a master of infiltration, and can be almost invisible. Thanks to Otacons technology, he will be fully invisible!  
  
Snake: Hey, I'm just a regular Hawley Griffin.  
  
Speakerphone: Next, we have Liquid Snake. A fine scholar in the art of genetic experiments.  
  
Liquid: No, no, it's GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!  
  
Speakerphone: Number 6, we have Solidus Snake, who's fear and paranoia over an imaginary, or so we think, group of people can lead to him having fits of rage, often dangerous to those around him.  
  
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!! (starts poking Otacon)  
  
Otacon: Ow! Quit it!  
  
Speakerphone: Numero seven, we have Raiden, who is one of the most homosexual people I have ever met. But, he could be useful on the field.  
  
Raiden: Did you say nerd? (gets smacked on the head by everyone in the room)  
  
Speakerphone: The eighth is Revolver Ocelot, who is both an expert gunman, and is often possessed by the spirit of Liquid Snake.  
  
Ocelot: Just your friendly neighbour hood Dr. Shalashaska-  
  
(undergoes spasms, fits and convulsions)  
  
Liquid Ocelot: And Mr. GENETIC EXPERIMENTS! Ha ha ha ha!  
  
Speakerphone: Neuf, we have Decoy Octopus, a master of disguise.  
  
Decoy: (still dressed as Elmo) No one can tell who I really am...  
  
(Bert and Ernie run in)  
  
Ernie: C'mon, Elmo! You have to come with us for our three-way shower to teach the kid the value of numerical superiority!  
  
(Bert and Ernie drag off Decoy)  
  
Speakerphone: X, it's Vulcan Raven, who is strong, huge, slow talking and can bust open more skin then a monkey in a banana forest.  
  
Raven: That... was... a... terrible... metaphor...  
  
Speakerphone: Eleventh is Sniper Wolf, who is a sniper and obsessed by wolves.  
  
Sniper: That isn't made half obvious by my name...  
  
Speakerphone: Douze, here is Psycho Mantis, a master of telepathy, telekinesis and also has the ugliest face ever.  
  
Psycho Mantis: I never take of my mask, as my face is so very pixelated.  
  
Speakerphone: Number thirteen is Vamp, who is a bisexual vampire.   
  
Vamp: I'm thinking of cross-dressing and calling myself Mina Murray.  
  
Speakerphone: The fourteenth is Fatman, who is a fat, and a proverbial mad bomber.  
  
Fatman: Laugh and grow-  
  
Speakerphone: That's enough out of you. The fifteenth is Otacon, a master of computers, technology and hacking.  
  
Otacon: Call me Nemo.  
  
Speakerphone: No. Sixteen is Rose Merry, who enjoys long walks on the beach, spaghetti and Cheez Whiz.  
  
Rose: You know you waaaaaaaaaaant it.  
  
Speakerphone: Seventeen, we have the master of the ocean depths. It's Semen!  
  
Sea Man: IT'S SEA MAN!  
  
Speakerphone: Lucky last is Grey Fox- a ninja, who wields a katana with deadly proficiency.  
  
Grey Fox: I was in a musical!  
  
Speakerphone: And that's it. NARRATOR!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see a montage of pictures of all the agents. The Narrator does the voice over)  
  
Narrator: In this exciting edition of The League, we have finally gathered all of the members! But what missions does the Colonel have in mind for them? What adventures shall they go on?! And why am I asking you all these questions anyway?! It's all going to be revealed in the next exciting issue of...  
  
THE LEAGUE OF PRETTY UNORDINARY GENTLE MEN & WOMEN  
  
A subsidiary of Viacom. 


	2. Part II

The following tale is a complete truth. And by that, I mean it's a lie. But it's an entertaining lie. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer... is no.  
  
Notes: ... = thinking  
  
And Otacons parrot can talk. If you don't remember this, then a certain skit won't make sense.  
  
Disclaimer: If you want to read this, go back a chapter. Damn hippies.  
  
Shade Wolf Enterprises and The American Cookie Council present...  
  
The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women  
  
Based On An Idea In My Fucked Up Imagination  
  
Directed by Simon Wolf  
  
Gaffer - Brad Pitt  
  
Best Boy - Harrison Ford  
  
Water Boy - Patrick Swayzee  
  
Guy Who Bought All The Dwarf Porn - Callum Moore  
  
(screen fades to black; fade back to see the entire League, apart from Raiden, having a fancy dress party)  
  
Snake: (dressed as Dante from Clerks) Where's Raiden?  
  
Otacon: (dressed as a wizard) Why would I know?  
  
Snake: Eh, I don't know. I'm not even supposed to be here today.  
  
Fortune: (dressed as Oprah) Snake, we need to discuss your mental problems.  
  
Vamp: (dressed as a paedophile; he is drinking a cup of blood) Mmm... blood goodness.  
  
(Raiden walks in wearing a dominatrix outfit)  
  
Emma: (dressed as a porn star) Hello...  
  
Raiden: What's up guys. (looks at everyone) What's with the costumes?  
  
Solidus: (dressed as Leonard Cohen) Uh, tonight is the 'get-to-know-everyone' costume party...  
  
Raiden: (is shocked) Is that tonight?! (slaps his forehead) Holy shit! I completely forgot about that! I gotta go get my costume! (runs out, his butt exposed by two huge holes in the back of his pants)  
  
Liquid: (dressed as one of The Twins from The Matrix Reloaded) That was arousing.  
  
Decoy: (still dressed as Elmo) Yeah, well... I love women.  
  
Ocelot: (dressed as Toshiro Minfune) That's right. Your favourite sexual position is 'man on top, Miss Piggy in magazine'.  
  
(everyone laughs)  
  
Speakerphone: (dressed as a cowboy) Good morning people.  
  
Everyone: Good morning Colonel!  
  
Speakerphone: Everyone, tomorrow is the day you begin some basic training. You will go through a series of missions, in groups of six. So, get plenty of rest.  
  
Meryl: (dressed as Callista Flockhart) That's good.  
  
(Raiden runs back in, wearing what appears to be a salad bar)  
  
Raiden: Back!  
  
Snake: Uh, why are you dressed as a salad bar?  
  
Raiden: Duh! Because gay guys love the salad!  
  
Snake: Whatever.  
  
(Liquid walks over)  
  
Liquid: Excuse me, Raiden?  
  
Raiden: Yes?  
  
Liquid: Do you mind if I... munch your croutons?  
  
Raiden: You already know the answer.  
  
Liquid: Great! (begins to eat the bowl of croutons on Raiden's costume)  
  
Raiden: Oh, oh yeah, work the salad!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see everyone in their normal clothing and in front of the speakerphone)  
  
Speakerphone: Alright ladies, here are your grouping for today. Group one will consist of Fortune, Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, Vulcan Raven, Fatman and Rose. If your name was read out, please go into the room next to this one.  
  
(Fortune, Snake, Liquid, Raven, Fatman and Rose walk out of the room)  
  
Speakerphone: Group two is Emma, Raiden, Decoy Octopus, Vamp, Sea Man and Grey Fox. Go into the room after that.  
  
(they all walk out)  
  
Speakerphone: And the rest of you as well. Get out of here and into room 3.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Fortune next to each other)  
  
Fortune: (to Snake) Heya!  
  
Snake: Must not stare at her rack. Must maintain eye contact... Mmm, snack trays!  
  
Fortune: Excuse me?  
  
Snake: Oh, you know, it's a fairly crude term for 'melons'- eeeeeeep! You fool! Think before you speak!  
  
Fortune: Really? I hadn't heard of that one before. Must be a local term that grew out of the farming traditions here.  
  
Snake: Yes! Agriculture! That's exactly what I was thinking of and definitely not some of the most interesting parts of the female anatomy.  
  
(pause)  
  
Fortune: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... I'm going over to talk to Rose now...  
  
Snake: Wait! Will I ever talk to you again?  
  
Fortune: Oh, you know, since I'm a member of a secret organization that has plans to lay waste to the world then begin a new society based upon the rulings of a small group of high ranking officials in the previously mentioned organization, it's likely that we'll talk again.  
  
(pause)  
  
Fortune: But I probably shouldn't have told you all that just now.  
  
Snake: I'm sorry, what? I haven't heard I word you said 'cause I was staring at your gazongas.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Raiden, Grey Fox and Decoy Octopus)  
  
British Voice From Next Door : I'm really not gay!  
  
Decoy: (to Grey Fox) Well, I have to admit, those boots were starting to make me wonder.  
  
Fox: Huh? What are you talking about?  
  
Decoy: You know, your boots. They're a little... that way.  
  
Raiden: Elmo has a point. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were... you know.  
  
Fox: No, I don't.  
  
Raiden: They look like elf shoes to me... (compares a picture of Legolas' boots to Fox's boots) Yep. Very elfish.  
  
Decoy: Well, that's not exactly what I meant, but those tree-hugging hippy bastards are about five minutes from it, I'll tell you that.  
  
Fox: I'll have you know-  
  
British Voice From Next Door: I'm not gay!  
  
Decoy: (to Fox) No one SAID you were, fruity.  
  
Fox: Quiet!  
  
Decoy: Ooh, now you're being catty.  
  
Fox: Shh!  
  
Decoy: Reeowr, hiss!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Revolver Ocelot aiming his pistol at Solidus, the latter having his back turned)  
  
Ocelot: (shaking) must... resist... must not... give in to... total... Patriotism...  
  
(Otacon walks up)  
  
Otacon: Hey Ocelot, are you okay?  
  
Ocelot: (stops shaking and puts gun back into holster) Just resisting urges.  
  
Otacon: Yeah, I know how THAT is. Especially at this time of year.  
  
Ocelot: I don't even know what that means. Or what it could be in reference to.  
  
Otacon: Err, well... you see... um... (turns around and looks over at Vamp, who has just walked into the room) I'd love to explain it to you, but here comes Vamp!  
  
Ocelot: He's at the other end of the room. You could be explaining now.  
  
(Vamp walks over)  
  
Vamp: You don't want to know, Ocelot. Anyway, when can we leave these rooms? They smells of little boys. And not in a good way.  
  
Otacon: How can that be a good smell?  
  
Vamp: Well, you see... here comes Mantis!  
  
Otacon: TELL ME!  
  
Vamp: No!  
  
Otacon: Asshole! (leaps onto Vamp and they start fighting)  
  
Solidus: (turns around) Hey, Mantis.  
  
Mantis: Yeah?  
  
Solidus: I bet you that the fight lasts five minutes.  
  
Mantis: It seems irrelevant to bet with me, as I already know the result, but bet accepted! I'm betting on more then five minutes!  
  
(as the fight rages on, Solidus and Mantis start yelling at Otacon and Vamp)  
  
Mantis: Go ten! Go ten!  
  
Solidus: I was always more of a Gohan guy.  
  
Mantis: Huh?  
  
Solidus: I mean, go five!  
  
(time passes...)  
  
Mantis: It's been 4 minutes, Solidus. Getting nervous?  
  
Solidus: No way!  
  
(Snake pops his head in the door)  
  
Snake: Guys, I just phoned the homophobic police chief and told him a pair of thirty-something NAMBLA members were cat fighting in this room over who could take home more pre-teen lads from the afterschool crowd. He mentioned something about wanting to try out some new riot gear.  
  
(Snake exits, Vamp and Otacon freeze, and Mantis and Solidus look at each other)  
  
Solidus: (to Mantis) He wasn't talking about US, was he?  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake and Liquid sitting around on the floor)  
  
Liquid: (reading a newspaper backwards) Let's see... tele-marketing, sewer-scraping, toilet cleaner...  
  
Snake: Why the hell are you reading that thing backwards?! What are you, Japanese?  
  
Liquid: I read it front-to-back already, now I'm reading it back-to-front to see if I missed anything... human guineapig, radio host, neurologist... Who the hell advertises for a neurologist in the wanted ads?!  
  
Snake: (dawns on him) Wait, you're quitting the League?! I hope you're looking for two jobs in there, because I'm not going through this hell alone!  
  
Liquid: I'm not quitting, I'm seeking additional employment.  
  
Snake: Let me get this straight, you want TWO JOBS?! What kind of heinous sin in a previous life are trying to make up for?!   
  
(pause)  
  
Snake: You were a child molester, weren't you?  
  
Liquid: Listen, if you hadn't noticed, this job in the League ain't exactly a 50-60 'K' a year gig. In fact, I'm not even sure that the Colonel is even going to pay us with money!   
  
Snake: Eh, as long as he pays us, I'm good.  
  
Liquid: What if he pays you with nude pictures of Raiden. Already used.  
  
Snake: How can you use a picture… (dawns on him) That's sick.  
  
Liquid: Moving back, listen to you! "TWO JOBS?!" As if the concept is beyond your grasp!  
  
Snake: Hey, I don't even want one job, let alone two. Unless the two jobs in question were a BLOW job and a HAND job!  
  
(pause)  
  
Snake: Wait, that doesn't really work. Why would I want a hand job on top of a blowjob?  
  
Liquid: Seeing as my further involvement in this conversation is no longer required, I'm going to go back to looking for a job.  
  
(Fatman walks up)  
  
Snake: NO! I GOT IT! Ready? *ahem* Unless the two jobs in question were a RIM job and a blowjob!  
  
(Liquid realises that Fatman is standing there listening to the entire thing. His eyes widen and his jaw drops)  
  
Snake: Yep, a sweet, sweet rim job and a POWER-SUCK blowjob would do me fine just about now. (grins, and notices Fatman. His jaw drops as well)  
  
Fatman: Well don't look at me! I'm not going to rim him or blow him! (he walks off)  
  
(pause)  
  
Snake: AND WHY THE HELL NOT, MIGHT I ASK?!  
  
Liquid: God... if you left me alone for one minute, it would be pleasure!  
  
(Rose walks over and sits next to them)  
  
Rose: Speaking of pleasure, you know those mobile phones that vibrate. (she pulls one out, and hits a button so it vibrates) I found one that somebody had lost, and in desperation I inserted it, longways, in... you know, my most "private" place. And guess what? It hasn't rung ONCE! Just my luck to find a vibrating phone belonging to someone with no friends.  
  
(pause)  
  
Snake: You're making me hard here.  
  
(a speakerphone drops from the ceiling)  
  
Speakerphone: Group one, report to the VR simulation centre now.  
  
Snake: Finally. I'm gone.  
  
(Group one exit and go to the VR room where they hook up. Suddenly, they are inside a womens dormitory, and Fortune holds a bit of paper)  
  
Fortune: (reading aloud) 'Your mission is to retrieve the files located in the commander's office. You cannot be captured, or the simulation will end and I, the Colonel, will personally put you through some harsh Thai-stick action.'  
  
Snake: Oh shit. I hear footsteps!  
  
(camera moves over to see two soldiers outside the door into the womens barracks- one has a lieutenants markings)  
  
Lieutenant: I demand to know what's going on in there! And this time, I'm NOT looking for the hot "girl on girl" action answer.  
  
Soldier: But it is certainly an acceptable answer!  
  
British Voice From Inside: Here, put this on!  
  
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Hurry, there's no time!  
  
Inuit Voice From Inside: Aww... fuck...  
  
Raspy Voice From Inside: Lock the door! Lock the door!  
  
Soldier: Those sounded like men's voices, sir.  
  
Lieutenant: We'll see about that! (tries to open the door) Open this door! I DEMAND to be allowed inside!  
  
British Voice From Inside: I think he's gone.  
  
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Shhhh!  
  
(Soldier turns around and salutes)  
  
Lieutenant: I want to know what's going on in there, and I want to know right NOW!  
  
(a female commanding officer walks behind the Lieutenant)  
  
Commander: (to Soldier) At ease. However, it would seem that the Lieutenant has some explaining to do.  
  
Lieutenant: Err, Commander Sullivan, I can explain, REALLY.  
  
Commander: I'm sure you can. Let us hope that it is a logical explanation.  
  
Soldier: It's all quite simple really. Lieutenant just wanted to know what was going on in the ladies' barracks.  
  
(pause)  
  
Commander: Why am I not surprised? This is the THIRD time this month, Lieutenant.  
  
Lieutenant: (to Soldier) You are so being demoted to mop-boy.  
  
Commander: My girls are doing target practice in the shooting range. Much to the Lieutenant's chagrin, the barracks are empty.  
  
Lieutenant: Impossible! We heard a great commotion in here all the way from Security Station Alpha! And, might I add, we heard voices in here just before your arrival!  
  
Commander: If it is as you say, then we should inspect the barracks from infiltrators. (moves over to the door and pulls out a key card) I'll just open the door here...  
  
British Voice From Inside: Run!  
  
Gravelly Voice From Inside: Where?!  
  
Inuit Voice From Inside: Hide!  
  
Raspy Voice From Inside: WHERE?!  
  
(Commander, Lieutenant and Soldier enter, and see the group of six standing in the middle of the rooms. However, all of them are now wearing long dresses with bras and panties underneath)  
  
Commander: Why aren't you girls with the others? Why are you wearing casual dress instead of battle gear? And why don't any of you look familiar in the slightest?!  
  
Rose: The answer is quite simple. We're... NEW. Yeah. New recruits. That's us. Yep.  
  
Commander: New recruits? Even though as commander of this entire base I made no request for additional personnel, have received no prior word of your arrival, and have no room for you here in any case?  
  
Rose: ... Yes!  
  
Lieutenant: There's something very strange about them. Someone should keep an eye on these girls for reasons of security.  
  
Commander: I could not agree more.  
  
Lieutenant: Therefore, we will need a watchman unmatched in his knowledge of the security of our base. Someone bold, handsome and daring. It is for these very loyal and non-selfish reasons that I nominate-  
  
Commander: Finishing that sentence would be a waste of my breath as my answer is going to be "no".  
  
Lieutenant: Aww nuts.  
  
Commander: There is only one way to find the real truth. INTERROGATION! (talking to the group) What are your names?  
  
Rose: Err... our names? I'm Rose.  
  
Fortune: I'm Fortune.  
  
Snake: Solid Snakeina.  
  
Fatman: Fatmanria.  
  
Raven: Vulcan Ravenica.  
  
Liquid: And I'm Sharon.  
  
Commander: Hmm... (to Lieutenant and Soldier) Well, those are girls' names. Their story checks out. Let's go. (to the group) You six, I expect you to be in full battle-dress and down at the shooting range in five minutes.  
  
Rose, Fortune, Snake, Liquid, Raven and Fatman: YES MA'AM!  
  
Lieutenant: There IS something unusual about those girls. (looks at Fatman) Especially the cute one! I hope to see a lot more of her. NAKED, that is.  
  
(Lieutenant, Commander and Soldier exit, and close the door behind them)  
  
(everyone looks at Liquid)  
  
Liquid: Don't look at me like that. I've always thought Sharon was a pretty name.  
  
Snake: Let's try to ignore Liquids transvestite urges and get those goddamn files.  
  
Liquid: I am secure enough in my own sexual identity and orientation that I can ignore your base and inflammatory remarks, Snake. In fact, I won't even dignify your infantile statement with a response.  
  
Fatman: That one soldier was looking at me kinda funny.  
  
Rose: Look, we bought ourselves some time. If we can make it to the commander's office, then I'm sure this simulation will be over.  
  
Snake: NO! We have to explore this entire base! We'll have so much fun as we're whisked away on an adventure that bends space and time and gender roles! No more itchy, pinchy confining sneaking suits for me! NO! I'm free! (starts waving his arms around) I'm flying, mom, flying! You can't stop me now!  
  
(long pause)  
  
Snake: What? You try wearing a sneaking suit all day long. These dresses are quite comfortable in comparison. Besides, my ass has never looked so good! Mmm!  
  
Raven: He... does... have... a... point...  
  
Fortune: Can we just get out of here, into the commanders office and kill everything in our way? Please?  
  
Snake: Sounds good to me. So, where IS this office?  
  
Rose: No idea.  
  
(Liquid pulls out a book with 'Learn Your ABCs' on the cover)  
  
Liquid: I'm sure this Secret Base Tourist Information Book will help us! (Liquid starts reading)  
  
Rose: Should we say anything?  
  
Liquid: Guys! I've got something! Apparently, "A" is for "apple". "B" is still a mystery, but my hopes are high that the NEXT page will shed some light on the subject.  
  
Snake: Let me talk to him. (pulls out SOCOM) The only way I know how. (to Liquid) That's not an Information Guide. And in any case, I doubt one would have information to find the office where all the bases secret files are kept.  
  
Liquid: (still reading) Hmm. I was hoping "B" would be for "Base Commanders Office". But no such luck. I'm afraid it's "boy".  
  
Snake: (aims SOCOM) You leave me precious little alternative. And I thank you for it.  
  
(Fatman, Vulcan, Rose and Fortune hold Snakes gun down and keep him from moving)  
  
Rose: We don't have time for a shoot-fest!  
  
Snake: JUST ONE! I DESERVE THAT MUCH, DAMN YOU!  
  
Rose: Okay, if you can behave yourself from now on, when we exit the VR you can shoot him once.  
  
Snake: Now that's what I call incentive! I can do it, no problem.  
  
Liquid: (still reading) Damn it. "C" is for "cow". I really wish it had been for "Current Objective File's Location"  
  
(pause)  
  
Snake: GODDAMN IT! (pulls up SOCOM) PREPARE FOR 47 BULLETS!  
  
(Snake opens fire and keeps on going, spilling red liquid all over the place, until he collapses to the ground)  
  
Snake: 45... too... exhausted... to fire... remaining two shots... feel free to indulge yourselves...  
  
Liquid: Wow! Snake managed to burst every ketchup packet I was holding! (to Snake) Those things are hard to find unless you go to a fast food joint. Jerk!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see everyone getting out of the VR)  
  
Rose: Wow, Fatman! That was amazing how you got us away from that horde of guards with only a toothpick, a Snickers bar and Snakes pubic hair!  
  
Fatman: Thanks.  
  
Snake: Yeah, good job, fat boy.  
  
Liquid: What about me?  
  
Raven: What... about... you... Sharon?  
  
(everyone laughs but Liquid)  
  
Fortune: Man, getting zinged by Raven. That has to suck.  
  
Liquid: I saved all of our lives from that hilarious talking bear!  
  
Snake: Yeah, but you're never going to live down 'Sharon'.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp rubbing his back on the floor. Emma walks up)  
  
Emma: What are you doing?  
  
Vamp: I've got an itch.  
  
Emma: Hmm?  
  
Vamp: I've got an itch, and I can't reach it.  
  
Emma: Did you try rubbing up and down against a window frame?  
  
Vamp: Yeah.  
  
Emma: And...?  
  
Vamp: I fell out the window. ARGH! This itch, it's driving me fucking mad!  
  
Emma: So?  
  
Vamp: So, do you think you could possibly... scratch it for me?  
  
Emma: Fuck off.  
  
Vamp: What?  
  
Emma: Well, it always starts like this, doesn't it? You start by asking me to scratch your back, then you roll over and ask me to scratch your front. The next thing I know you've got an enormous erection and you start drooling like a bloodthirsty vampire!  
  
Vamp: I am bloodthirsty vampire.  
  
Emma: Well, I'm not falling for it this time. If you've got an itch, find someone else to scratch it for you.  
  
Vamp: But I've only got short arms.  
  
Emma: Grow your fingernails.  
  
Vamp: I'll pay you.  
  
Emma: With what?  
  
(pause)  
  
Vamp: Oreos?  
  
Emma: If you think I'm going to play with your penis for a couple of chocolate biscuits with a cream filling, you a very much mistaken.  
  
Vamp: So, what do you do if you get an itch?  
  
Emma: I scratch them myself.  
  
Vamp: What about the ones you can't reach?  
  
Emma: After all the yoga I have done, there is no part of my body I can't reach. That's how I keep myself so spotlessly clean. I'm even able to reach every square inch of my body with my tongue.  
  
(pause)  
  
Vamp: Now... you know what I'm going to say next, don't you.  
  
Emma: Yes.  
  
Vamp: So, there's not actually any need for me to say it, is there?  
  
Emma: No.  
  
(pause)  
  
Vamp: So, you won't scratch my back, then?  
  
Emma: No.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Meryl frantically searching the room)  
  
Meryl: (to Solidus) Hey! Limp dick! You seen my pills?  
  
Solidus: No, I haven't seen your tablets.  
  
Meryl: Are you sure? Because if you have, and you're not telling me, I'm going to put a skewer through your dick.  
  
Solidus: You're not very good in the mornings, are you?  
  
Meryl: So, have you seen them?  
  
Solidus: A long-term dependence on prescription drugs can actually be more harmful than beneficial, according to a report in my magazine.  
  
Meryl: Really? I wasn't aware that Slutty Whore Pussies Monthly was a medical publication.  
  
Solidus: Hey, I'll have you know that's a quality read.  
  
Meryl: It's a jerk off mag!   
  
Solidus: So?  
  
Meryl: It's not like it carries any kind of intelligent editorial.  
  
Solidus: Yes it does...  
  
Meryl: Where? In-between pictures of Miss Mega Muff and Sally Super Snatch?  
  
Solidus: Actually, it focuses on a number of important issues.  
  
Meryl: What's important about seeing a couple of reader's wives being done up the ass with a baseball bat?  
  
Solidus: Well, it's important to me...  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Decoy and Emma)  
  
Emma: What?  
  
Decoy: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out?  
  
Emma: How?  
  
Decoy: Only, I've asked the others and they all said no.  
  
Emma: Go on...  
  
Decoy: Well, I need to slice open your throat with a big carving knife, drain all the blood out of your body, and then offer you up as a willing sacrifice to the Dark Lord of The Universe?  
  
Emma: Can I have a few moments to think about it?  
  
Decoy: Sure. Take as long as you like.  
  
Emma: Hmmmmm. No.   
  
Decoy: Fair enough. There's no point trying to force you. 'Cause you have to be a "willing" sacrifice, you see?  
  
Emma: Yes.  
  
Decoy: Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to bother you.  
  
Emma: Don't mention it.  
  
(Decoy begins to walk over to Raiden, but stops)  
  
Decoy: (to Emma) I don't suppose you'd just let me carve out your liver and feast upon it?  
  
Emma: What on earth for?  
  
Decoy: I haven't had a bite since breakfast. I'm bloody starving...  
  
(speakerphone drops down from the ceiling)  
  
Speakerphone: Group two, report to the VR area now!  
  
Raiden: Yay!  
  
Sea Man: What? You don't like pizza?  
  
(fade out; fade in to see the members of group two being placed in the VR arena. They're in a huge stadium, with a huge crowd watching)  
  
Fox: What the fuck?  
  
(a piece of paper falls down in front of Emma)  
  
Emma: (reading aloud) 'In this exercise, you will have to use your powers of persuasion and improvisation to make it through five rounds of intense questions! If you fail, I'll personally attach you all, apart from Emma, to a machine that will rip off a pube an hour off your nut-sack until you're shorn like sheep. Then it will castrate you.'  
  
Vamp: Ouch.  
  
Decoy: Ok, when does the questioning begin?!  
  
(a large man runs over)  
  
Man: Right now! Your first task is to create one of the most perverted, yet naive, stories you can think of.  
  
Raiden: Did you say nerd?  
  
(everyone smacks Raiden over the head)  
  
Emma: Ok... Grey Fox!  
  
Fox: Ok... (thinks) Ok, after this me and Decoy are going to lay a couple of chicks we met at this new club called 'Manholes'.  
  
Decoy: This doesn't sound good.  
  
Fox: Anyway, these chicks are kinda big, with the hugest HANDS I ever seen on a lady, but they've been sweating me and Decoy pretty hard, and even though they wouldn't let me touch their hair-pie, I could tell they were probably wet- because there was the BIGGEST BULGE I've ever seen under the chick's miniskirt.  
  
Sea Man: (holding back vomit) Oh god...  
  
Fox: But I figure it's just gotta be a big puddle of chick-jizz gathered in there like a pamper!  
  
Man: That was awful. You pass the first round!   
  
(Man runs off, and an old man hobbles on)  
  
Old Man: To pass this second round, you must answer me these questions three!  
  
Raiden: Ok!  
  
Old Man: WHAT... is your name?!  
  
Raiden: Uh... Raiden?  
  
Old Man: Very good. WHAT... is your favourite colour?!  
  
Raiden: Pink.  
  
Old Man: And finally, WHAT... is the average flight speed of a coconut laden swallow?!  
  
Raiden: Umm... is this a Monty Python reference?  
  
Old Man: Damn! You guessed right! (he flies up and out of the arena)  
  
(a sexy woman walks on)  
  
Fox, Decoy, Vamp and Sea Man: Awoooogah!  
  
Sexy Woman: Sorry boys, but it's time for the Lightning Round.  
  
(the entire group, apart from Emma, get zapped with a bolt of lightning)  
  
Fox, Decoy, Raiden, Vamp and Sea Man: Oh god... the pain!  
  
Sexy Woman: Good job, boys. You made it to round 4! (she walks off)  
  
(a giant frog hops over)  
  
Giant Frog: *ribbit* You have to kiss me to win this round *ribbit*  
  
Sea Man: Well, I'm glad that that Lightning Round is over. (he gets zapped) ARGH! Oh... now I get it... (looks up) I sure hope there isn't an ice-cream round! (he gets zapped again)  
  
Emma: Jesus, I guess I have to kiss the frog. (she kisses the frog; the frog turns into a rock) Huh... that was pointless.  
  
Voice: But you made it to the final round!  
  
Raiden: Who said that?!  
  
(Shade walks on)  
  
Shade: I DID!  
  
Emma: The author?!  
  
Fox: That talentless fuck?  
  
Shade: Quiet, you. Now then, to win this round, you must answer one simple question... about me.  
  
Decoy: Is the answer 'you'?  
  
Shade: (looks at a cue card) Actually, it is. DAMMIT FADE!  
  
Fade: You interrupted me playing Dynasty Warriors!  
  
Shade: Fuck-tard...  
  
(the group get sent back into reality)  
  
Emma: Great!  
  
Shade: You know it.  
  
Decoy: Wait, why are you still here?!  
  
Shade: Uh... because... (throws some dust at Decoys face) AMNESIA DUST, HA!  
  
(Decoy is covered in white powder)  
  
Decoy: What is this, talcum powder? You got it all over me! Thanks a lot, asshole.  
  
Shade: Huh? But I got it at a very high quality store!  
  
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT AMNESIA DUST! Not talcum powder!")  
  
Akbar: Sucker!  
  
(cut back to the group)  
  
Shade: Oh well. Gotta go! (throws down a smoke bomb- the smoke goes away almost instantly) Hmm... that was supposed to last a lot longer... oh well, no more discount ninja supply stores for me! (walks off)  
  
(everyone goes to room one)  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake spreading shit all over the walls)  
  
Snake: A little more there... dum de dum..  
  
(Fox walks over)  
  
Snake: Hey, Fox.  
  
Fox: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Snake: Well, if you must know, it's a protest. A sort of political act.  
  
Fox: Oh?  
  
Snake: (proudly) I am covering the walls with my own faeces.  
  
Fox: So, what's different?  
  
Snake: What do you mean?  
  
Fox: Well, aren't you always covering the walls with your own shit. You normally call it "going to the toilet".  
  
Snake: My personal hygiene is beyond reproach! I'll have you know, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper last year.  
  
Fox: I stand corrected. How many rolls did you use during the nineteen eighties?  
  
Snake: I don't remember. Five? No... I tell a lie... six.  
  
Fox: And how many boxes of man-sized tissues do you go through every week?  
  
Snake: Fifty-three.  
  
Fox: I don't get it!  
  
Snake: It's a different discipline.  
  
Fox: What is your protest concerning?  
  
Snake: Animal experiments.  
  
Fox: Oh.  
  
Snake: Yeah, I was using some shampoo last week, and it really burnt my eyes. Goddamn stuff should have been tested first.  
  
Fox: Tested on what?  
  
Snake: Rabbits of course! Nothing potentially poisonous, hazardous or corrosive should be put into the shops without first being put into the eyes of baby rabbits!   
  
(Fox stares into space for a moment, then...)  
  
Fox: I am going to kill myself.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp pleading with Liquid)  
  
Liquid: Where exactly is this itch?  
  
Vamp: How many times do I have to tell you, dickhead? It's on my back!  
  
Liquid: Where?  
  
Vamp: Right in the middle.  
  
Liquid: Why don't you scratch it yourself?  
  
Vamp: I can't.  
  
Liquid: Why not?  
  
Vamp: I can't reach it.  
  
(pause)  
  
Liquid: Why not?  
  
Vamp: My arms are too short.  
  
(pause)  
  
Liquid: Why?  
  
Vamp: I don't know why. Maybe it's something to do with evolution and natural selection.  
  
Liquid: Have you been watching Animal Planet again?  
  
Vamp: Look, my back is itching, I can't reach it, will you scratch it for me?  
  
(pause)  
  
Liquid: (cheerfully) Fuck off and die!  
  
Vamp: You sadistic bastard!  
  
Liquid: Why don't you rub your back up and down against the window frame?  
  
Vamp: I tried that.  
  
Liquid: What happened?  
  
Vamp: I fell out the window.  
  
Liquid: What about using an abrasive object with something sharp and pointed at one end?  
  
Vamp: Brilliant idea... I'll use Otacons parrot.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp and the parrot talking)  
  
Vamp: Oh come on, feather dick.  
  
Parrot: I'm not doing it!  
  
Vamp: I'm not asking you for a martini and a blowjob. I just want you to scratch my back. It's driving me insane! It's ... right... in... the middle... here.... (indicates the itchy spot on his back)  
  
Parrot: Why do you want me to do it?  
  
Vamp: Because, you are equipped with one of creation's great natural back scratchers.  
  
(pause)  
  
Parrot: My penis?  
  
Vamp: Your beak, you idiot! A billion years of evolution and selective breeding has chosen to give you a big, pointy thing on the front of your face.  
  
Parrot: Have you been watching Animal Planet again?  
  
Vamp: I wish people would stop asking me that. You have a multi-purpose, custom-designed tool for preening, and grooming, and cleaning... And for digging nuts out of their shells, and for... getting little stones out of horses hooves...  
  
Parrot: Are you sure you're not thinking of a Swiss Army Knife?  
  
Vamp: Hmm... Maybe I am. What are you again?  
  
Parrot: A parrot.  
  
Vamp: So I couldn't, for example, use you for getting a cork out of a bottle of wine.  
  
Parrot: No.  
  
Vamp: Or for whittling a small piece of driftwood into the shape of a tiny ship…  
  
Parrot: No.  
  
Vamp: And then inserting it into a very small bottle.  
  
(pause)  
  
Parrot: No. (pause) You might be able to use my beak to clip your toenails…  
  
Vamp: (angry to the point of explosion) Will you PLEASE scratch my FUCKING back?!  
  
Parrot: No.  
  
Vamp: Right!  
  
Parrot: No!  
  
(Vamp grabs the parrot and starts using it to scratch his back)  
  
Parrot: ARGH! STOP IT YOU FUCKING C*NT!  
  
Vamp: Mm. Oh! Ah! Mmmmm! Yes! Yes! Ahhh!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Vamp and Snake taking a nap, when...)  
  
Parrot: Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh! Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh! Uuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
(pause)  
  
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!  
  
Vamp: (wakes up) Oh, for fuck's sake! Alright, I'm sorry I used you to scratch my back!!  
  
(long pause)  
  
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!  
  
Vamp: And I'm sorry I used you to wipe my bottom.  
  
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!  
  
Vamp: And I'm really, really sorry I flushed you down the toilet afterwards.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Parrot: Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh! Uuuoooooooh!  
  
Snake: (waking up) That's it... (opens fire on the parrot- blood flies everywhere)  
  
Parrot: Jesus, Snake! You managed to shoot every single bag of blood I was going to donate to the local hospital! Thanks a lot, shithead.  
  
Snake: If I had the energy, I would cry.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Mantis, Solidus, Ocelot, Meryl, Wolf and Otacon hooking into the VR)  
  
Otacon: Here we go...  
  
(they are suddenly standing on an invisible surface. Everything around them is black)  
  
Meryl: What the hell?  
  
Solidus: (looks down and sees a note. He picks it up and reads it out) 'Group 3, due to the fact the author has no more money to pay out to everyone who sues him, he can't rip off anything. Man I hate that government-cheese-eating fuck...'  
  
Wolf: That's kind of a rip.  
  
Ocelot: So... what do we do now?  
  
Mantis: Cliché "wackiness"?  
  
(Blink 182 run on)  
  
Blink 182: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
(Mr. T pops up)  
  
Mr. T: I'm Mr.T! And I'm in a Metal Gear fanfic! It's funny cause it's not what you would expect! I pity da foo' what don't think this is hilarious.  
  
(a large pie, with legs, pops up)  
  
Pie: I am pie! Pie is wacky- especially with legs! If I weren't me, I'd be eating me right now! WACKY!  
  
Ocelot: I love you, Miss Wolf! (he and Wolf start making out)  
  
Otacon: (rubs head) Huh...  
  
(Ronin Syaoran pops up)  
  
Ronin: This fan fiction is inferior to my epic ninja... uh... epic.  
  
(Mantis and Solidus start talking)  
  
Mantis: Solidus, why are you my friend?  
  
Solidus: Because I'm a masochist.  
  
Mantis: No, I mean how come we never took our relationship to the next level?  
  
Solidus: What are you talking about you fool. I'm a man.  
  
Mantis: You're a guy? Really? Why didn't you ever tell me?  
  
Solidus: I was hoping that my genitals would speak for themselves.  
  
Mantis: That's a disturbing mental picture. Man, I can't believe I wasted all those hours trying to woo you.  
  
Solidus: You were trying to "woo" me?! (pause) Please say it was only metaphorically.  
  
Mantis: Boy that J.Lo is hot. You know what I like? Women.  
  
Solidus: I'm going to be sick.  
  
Mantis: Well at least now you won't be violated.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Solidus: I really think there's something wrong with me.  
  
Mantis: I've been telling myself that since we first met.  
  
Solidus: No, really, something isn't right.  
  
Mantis: Maybe you should see an ichthyologist.  
  
Solidus: It's like an essential piece of my life is missing and I don't know where to find it.  
  
Mantis: Have you tried eBay?  
  
Solidus: This is serious. What would you do if I died from it?  
  
Mantis: I'd eat your corpse.  
  
(pause)  
  
Solidus: Well, at least my life won't be a complete waste.  
  
Mantis: Actually, after a few hours of digestion...  
  
Solidus: Ok, now you've gone too far.  
  
Mantis: Brings a whole new meaning to the term "final destination", doesn't it?  
  
(fade out; fade in to see everyone amassed in the big room. The Colonel walks in)  
  
Colonel: Good afternoon, ladies.  
  
Raiden: Good afternoon, Colonel!  
  
Snake: Wow, he actually shows up.  
  
Colonel: Oh, I'm just here to prelude your final test...  
  
Fox: Huh?  
  
Colonel: Yes, tremble before the might of my monster!   
  
(the lights go off- everything is black)  
  
Colonel: It is a fierce chimera, a patchwork demon composed of the most gruesome and deadly elements of a bakers dozen of horrible nightmare creatures.  
  
(a distant *thump* is heard)  
  
Colonel: Its behemoth claws can tear a truck in two.  
  
(another thump, this time closer)  
  
Colonel: Its thorny carapace can withstand the most powerful missiles.  
  
(closer...)  
  
Colonel: It moves with the speed of lightning and strikes twice as hard.  
  
(closer...)  
  
Colonel: It breathes fire that drips with poison.  
  
(closer!)  
  
Colonel: And worst of all, it follows my every command. To put it simply, you're doomed.  
  
(Not that close!)  
  
Snake: Just ONCE I'd like to go through a fan fiction and not be doomed.  
  
Raiden: It would be a change of pace.  
  
Colonel: My big bad monster is going to kill you so fast it'll be mentioned in every science journal as a breakthrough in faster than light theory.  
  
(I can smell its breath from the other side of the computer screen)  
  
Colonel: And here it is now! Behold the glorious might of-  
  
(a spotlight hits the floor, and everyone sees a platypus)  
  
Colonel: WHAT THE FUCK?!  
  
(Otacon walks over and picks it up by the tail)  
  
Otacon: Hee hee! Look at him wiggle!  
  
Colonel: There must be some mistake! I paid huge amounts of money for that monster!  
  
Fatman: Wait, you PAID for a monster to kill us?!  
  
Colonel: It seemed like such a good deal!  
  
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT KILLER MONSTER OUTLET! Not pathetic creatures!")  
  
Akbar: Sucker!  
  
(cut back to everyone)  
  
Colonel: I was promised claws and an impossible biology!  
  
Meryl: Well, a quick look over shows that it has little claws, probably for burrowing, and a duck-billed MAMMAL is impossible enough for me.  
  
Colonel: What about the poison and the fire?!  
  
Fortune: He appears to have little poison barbs on his hind legs.  
  
(pause)  
  
Fortune: There's also a bottle of vodka and a lighter attached to his soft underbelly.  
  
Colonel: Shit... I guess you guys pass the final test.  
  
Everyone But Colonel: YES!  
  
Colonel: But that doesn't mean that you will escape the acid pit!  
  
(everyone but the Colonel is suddenly suspended by the feet, with rope, over a pit of acid)  
  
Fatman: Funny. If I had a toothpick, a Snickers bar and another batch of Snakes pubic hair, I could get us out of here in less then a minute.  
  
Raiden: So, why is the Colonel trying to kill us?  
  
Snake: You were at the Big Shell. He went insane like this before.  
  
Rose: (like a drone) I'm flying, Jack...  
  
Shade: Get it? Jack and Rose? Titanic?! THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS?! Good god, I'm hilarious!  
  
Decoy: Dude, why in Gods name would you rent that film?  
  
Shade: It came highly recommended from a very high-quality video store!  
  
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS HIGH QUALITY VIDEO RENTRALS! Not shit movies!")  
  
Akbar: Sucker!  
  
(cut back to everyone)  
  
Colonel: Prepare to be dropped! (he cuts the cords that hold the people up- they fall into the vat of acid)  
  
(everyone is covered in the liquid)  
  
Emma: Umm, it's awfully STICKY for acid...  
  
Vamp: And not... what's the word?  
  
Fortune: Acidic?  
  
Vamp: Yeah.  
  
Colonel: Oh yeah. It's just Mountain Dew.  
  
Mantis: (hasn't even touched the Dew, he's floating an inch above it) You didn't get real acid?  
  
Colonel: Well, I'd rather buy Mountain Dew from a place that was honest about it.  
  
(cut to a store with a sign saying "MOHAMMEDS MOUNTAIN DEW!"  
  
Mohammed: Another satisfied customer!  
  
(cut back)  
  
Mantis: And what other alternative was there?  
  
Colonel: I could've bought it at a store that was entirely dishonest about it's dealings.  
  
(cut to a store with a sign saying "AKBARS DISCOUNT ACID! Not Mountain Dew!")  
  
Akbar: What?  
  
(cut back to everyone)  
  
Colonel: Yeah, well, you passed. Next time your mission actually begins.  
  
Snake: Will it involve Moriarty? Or Sean Connery?  
  
Colonel: Maybe...  
  
NARRATOR: In this exciting episode of The League, they went through hell. But next time they actually get to do some real killing! Will Akbar sell them faulty goods? Will Michael J. Fox ever look like he's older then 18? And why in Gods name does Fatmans escape plan involves Snakes pubes?! You probably won't find out in the next episode of...  
  
THE LEAGUE OF PRETTY UNORDINARY GENTLE MEN & WOMEN  
  
A subsidiary of Viacom.  
  
And now for the random Sean Connery question of the day, with a rebuttal from that Government-cheese-eating fuck, Shade...  
  
Shade: So, Sean, what's it like acting in movies?  
  
Sean: "Well it certainly beats my average day. Reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the washrooms... Though that seems to be less of a problem these days. Maybe I'm losing my sex appeal." (NOTE: This is an actual quote from one of Sean's movies. Don't ask me which)  
  
Shade: Very true.  
  
That was our...  
  
RANDOM SEAN CONNERY QUESTION OF THE DAY! 


	3. Part the Third

Ok guys, been a while hasn't it? You know you missed me. This episode is different, mainly because I wore my pants while writing it. But, for a limited time (or at least until I update again), if you review, you recieve the first three of a sprite comic entitled...  
  
THE DEATH DUEL SERIES  
  
This is just a way of getting more reviews, but I felt that I should be nice and give you guys a poor quality sprite comic in exchange for them there reviews. Ain't I a nice guy?  
  
But how do you get these comics, you say?! Why, just review (lookit at dat dere purply recytangle in the bottom left corner), leave or send me your e-mail, and viola! Within the day you shall recieve three of the worst quality comics since the early days of 8-bit Theatre.  
  
And please note, this is not a desperate cry for reviews, it's just cause I made these things and figured I'd give 'em to the people. Cause I love you guys! Especially you, KatUK. Rwoar.  
  
Notes: ... = thinking  
  
Disclaimer: I, Simon Wolf, in no way own Metal Gear Solid, The League Of Exraordinary Gentlemen, Dragonball Z or The Matrix.  
  
This fic was tested on Simon Wolf, Morgan Priestnall, Noel Gough... And many, MANY animals.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
CREDIT ROLL!  
  
Shade Wolf Enterprises and The Wachowski Brothers present...  
  
The League Of Pretty Unordinary Gentle Men & Women  
  
Directed by Simon Wolf  
  
Produced by Courtney Obato  
  
Spat On by my family *sniff*  
  
Game Played While Writing This - Enter The Matrix  
  
Guy Who Referenced My Other Fic - Sephiroth-02-01  
  
Jizz Mopper - Neo  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(we fade in to see Snake, Liquid, Raiden and Grey Fox climbing up the walls of a skyscraper. It's midnight, and rain pelts down)  
  
Snake (V/O): The Patriot Building in London, ten seconds ago...  
  
(zoom in on the group)  
  
Snake (V/O): We had recieved a phone call from an unknown source, who told us to meet him at the top of The Patriot Building. Ironicly, we knew the Patriots didn't work there.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see everyone sitting around, playing PlayStation 2)  
  
Otacon: (laughing his head off at Snake) Jesus Snake, can you even shoot right?  
  
Snake: I'll shoot you right!  
  
(the phone rings)  
  
Rose: I'll get it. (she gets up and answers the phone) Hello?  
  
Phone: (a deep voice) Hello, Rose.  
  
Rose: Hiya!  
  
Phone: Uh, is Snake there?  
  
Rose: Yes, yes he is.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Phone: Could you, y'know, get him for me?  
  
Rose: Sure! (passes phone to Snake)  
  
Snake: (into phone) Hello?  
  
Phone: Good morning, Mr. Snake.  
  
Snake: Hey.  
  
Phone: Go turn on Otacons computer.  
  
Snake: Alright... (walks over and sits at Otacons computer. He pushes the on button)  
  
Otacon: Snake! What are you doing on my computer?!  
  
Raiden: I cummed on your computer once.  
  
(silence)  
  
Solidus: That was unnessercery.  
  
Snake: Shutup. Anyway, this guy told me to.  
  
Otacon: So you do EVERYTHING some guy tells you to do over the phone?  
  
Snake: Uh....  
  
************ START SNAKE'S FLASHBACK ************   
  
(Snake is on the phone)  
  
Phone: (alluring female voice) So, take off your pants...  
  
Snake: Ok! (takes 'em off)  
  
Phone: And play with yourself...  
  
Snake: Done and done! (starts whacking off)  
  
Phone: (turns into an excited deep male voice) SAY I'M THE DADDY!  
  
Snake: You're the- zuh?  
  
************ END OF SNAKE'S FLASHBACK ************   
  
Snake: So what?  
  
Phone: Uh, Snake? The computer is on.  
  
Snake: (notices this is true) Sweet. (notices Otacons hentai wallpaper) That's sick.  
  
Mei Ling: Is that supposed to be me?  
  
Meryl: And me?  
  
Naomi: AND ME?!  
  
Otacon: (blushing) Uh, you see, the thing is... zoing! (runs away)  
  
Phone: Open up Warcraft 3 and join a LAN game with the name 'Their United States Of The Patriots'. Choose your name as 'Close To Something Real', then choose purple as your colour and go as a Human.  
  
Snake: Warcraft in the what now?  
  
Phone: *sigh* Get Otacon to do it.  
  
(Otacon comes back in and does the above process)  
  
Snake: (into phone) You going to say something like 'Follow the white rabbit', or 'The Matrix has you'?  
  
Phone: No.  
  
Snake: Good.  
  
(camera pans over to see everyone huddled around Snake and the computer)  
  
Vamp: I wonder what this is all about.  
  
Liquid: I'm queer.  
  
Decoy: Dude, look at that wallpaper!  
  
Mei Ling: How could I even do that without the blood rushing to my head?  
  
Meryl: Eww! My tongue looks like it's about to be bitten off!  
  
Snake: CAN YOU GUYS BE QUIET?! (turns back to computer) Ok, I'm in the game...  
  
Phone: Good. Now, build a barracks to the South.  
  
Snake: I'll barracks YOU to the South!  
  
Raiden: What does that mean?  
  
Rose: Never you mind, Raiden.  
  
Phone: Moving on, I need to meet you. I'm in the game.  
  
Snake: No shit, sherlock. You're the only other player in here.  
  
Liquid: 'L33T m31 L1NG loV3R'? Why the hell would some uber hacker want to choose that as his screen name?  
  
Otacon: *ahem* That's me. The geek over the phone is 'TheOneBeliever'.  
  
Mei Ling: Wow, it's sure a good thing that I don't understand l33t speak, otherwise I'd have to kill Otacon.  
  
Fox: Wait a second, where the hell did you come from?!  
  
Mei Ling: I was... uh... fired from my job at... uh... Naked News?  
  
Fox: Good thing I still have all those tapes!  
  
(A/N: This is a blatant reference to 'The Misadventures Of Unit FOXHOUND', written by another comedy writer, Sephiroth-02-01. He has referenced my Behind The Game fic, with disasterous results, as he didn't say that it was a REFERENCE TO ME! RARGH! MUST CRUSH NON-REFERENCING CANADIANS! RARGH!  
  
Incredible Hulk: HULK SMASH TEXT-HEAVY AUTHORS NOTES!)  
  
Phone: Anyway, I need you to meet me on top of The Patriot Building in England to discuss what are... the Patriots.  
  
Snake: Wait, why didn't you just TELL me that at the start of this phone call, instead of making me join a fucking Warcraft 3 game?!  
  
Phone: Oh, Otacon usually plays with us. Get him to join.  
  
Snake: Done! (he gets up and Otacon sits down)  
  
Otacon: Oooh! TheOne, Trin303, TheOneBeliever and SexyNiobe69 versus -[Ghost]-, myself, StokChar01, and StokChar02...  
  
********** BEGIN SCREEN CHAT **********  
  
TheOneBeliever: Gimmie ops! I want ops!  
  
SexyNiobe69: Shut up. Ok guys, it's our standard 4 on 4 game, no rules.  
  
TheOneBeliever: Ops! Ops! Ops!  
  
SexyNiobe69: Fine! Jesus.  
  
SexyNiobe69 sent TheOneBeliever 1000 gold  
  
TheOneBeliever: Woohoo!  
  
SexyNiobe69 was booted by TheOneBeliever  
  
TheOneBeliever: Don't hog ops!  
  
SexyNiobe69 joins  
  
SexyNiobe69: Not funny.  
  
********** END OF SCREEN CHAT **********  
  
Phone: Remember, meet me in 7 days.  
  
Snake: (hangs up) God. So, who are we sending?  
  
(Colonel Campbell runs in, naked apart from a copy of '37 Year-Old Virgin Elves')  
  
(A/N: Get the joke? At the rate Elves grow, after 37 years it would still be a baby! Get it?! Ok, so you have to know a little about Elven biology to understand... but that doesn't mean that I ever looked at a naked elf. Of course not. Zoing!)  
  
Colonel: I suggest we send Fox, Snake, Liquid and Raiden. (notices that everyone but Snake and Raiden have left.) Shit!  
  
Snake: Guess we'll have to convince them.  
  
Raiden: Yay! Sounds like fun, right Snake! (nudges Snake)  
  
Snake: You shut the fuck up. And never touch me again.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Snake talking to Fox. The latter is reading the novelisation of Pulp Fiction and drinking beer)  
  
Snake: C'mon, just come with.  
  
Fox: No. I refuse to go to England.  
  
Snake: Why?  
  
Fox: You know about my issues with the English.  
  
Snake: Oh yeah, the Tootsie Pop incident... (lowers his head) Lest we forget.  
  
Fox: Exactly.  
  
Snake: But, uh, I hear in England they have...  
  
Fox: Ugly women? A terrible system of ruling?  
  
Snake: No, I hear they have... uh... waffles.  
  
Fox: Waffles, eh?  
  
Snake: Yeah, I hear they have exxxcellent waffles.  
  
Fox: Hmm... I must investigate these supposedly 'exxxcellent' waffles.  
  
Snake: Exxxcellent.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see Raiden talking to Liquid, the latter of whom is sitting down and shaking his head)  
  
Liquid: No, I can't go back to the country where I got my accent...  
  
Raiden: Please? I'll blow you.  
  
Liquid: I'm afraid your amazing oral sex won't be enough to get me to go to England.  
  
(Snake and Fox walk in)  
  
Snake: Hows it going?  
  
Raiden: Liquid is refusing to go.  
  
Fox: (to Liquid) Tootsie Pop incident?  
  
(all four of them bow their heads)  
  
All: Lest we forget.  
  
Liquid: I'm sorry, but we all agree that we have been banished from England.  
  
Snake: What if we got back at the Queen and her bastard son Charles?  
  
Fox: I like the way you think.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see the same scenes from the start)  
  
Snake V/O: So that was how we got there. What happened next, none of us believed.  
  
(the group make it to the roof, where they see a white man in a leather trenchcoat at the other end of the building. He has messy black hair and wears black glasses)  
  
Man: (in the same voice as over the phone) Greetings, David. Frank. Jack. That other guy.  
  
Snake: (to Liquid) That's a good point. What is your first name?  
  
Liquid: (red faced) That's unimportant!  
  
Fox: I bet it's a girls name.  
  
Liquid: QUIET!!!  
  
Man: Guys? Little focus here?  
  
Raiden: So, what's your name?  
  
Man: Before I discovered the truth behind the Patriots I was known as Matt. Now I am Trickeyous.  
  
Snake: This is sounding like that popular movie I saw.  
  
Trickeyous: Quiet you. (throws a CD at them) On this CD is all the information you'll ever need to know about the Patriots. Now go, before the agents come!  
  
Fox: Agents?  
  
(a swarm of men in black suits burst onto the roof from the stairwell. One of them steps forward. He lookms remarkably like Elrond)  
  
Agent Elrond: Good morning Mr. Jaeger.  
  
Fox: Hey.  
  
Agent Elrond: We're going to have to take that CD from you.  
  
Raiden: Why?  
  
Agent Elrond: Patriot orders.  
  
Snake: Oh.  
  
Trickeyous: Run, guys! Take these Tootsie Pops. (throws them a box of Tootsie Pops) You know what to do with them.  
  
Liquid: That we do. (all four of them jump off the building)  
  
(an agent who looks quite like Gimli walks over to Trickeyous)  
  
Agent Gimli: Not a good move, Mr. Trickey.  
  
Agent Elrond: Take him for the usual punishment for the ones who have been released.  
  
Trickeyous: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Agent Elrond: (grinning evilly) Yes, a lifetime of watching the remake of 'The Time Machine'.  
  
(fade out; fade in to see the Queen sleeping in her bed. Prince Charles is in a cot next to her, sucking his thumb)  
  
Queen: *snore* Mmm... testicles... *snore*  
  
Charles: *suck* But I wants to be King! Waaah! *suck*  
  
(a crack of thunder, and both of them wake up)  
  
Queen: Oh my, I must pass a royal decree to cancel all thunder while I'm asleep!  
  
(four figures step out of the shadows)  
  
Charles: Diana?  
  
(the figures are revealed- they are Fox, Snake, Liquid and Raiden. Fox is holding the box of Tootsie Pops)  
  
Queen: Oh my!  
  
Snake: That's right, Queen. You almost forgot about us.  
  
Queen: But... I exiled all of you!  
  
Liquid: Oh yes, you did. But that doesn't stop us.  
  
Charles: What you want?  
  
Fox: We're here to redeem the casualties of the Tootsie Pop incident.  
  
Queen: We royally kicked your *pardon my French, those arrogant bastards* arses. You are no longer allowed in this country.  
  
Raiden: But we're here.  
  
Liquid: We're queer.  
  
Snake: You two are, me and Fox ain't.  
  
Queen: No! You can't do this to me!  
  
Fox: (pulls out a Tootsie Pop) Can't we?  
  
(as he moves forward, the Queen and Charles run for the door. Snake and Liquid grab hold of the Queen and pin her to the wall, while Raiden holds Charles)  
  
Fox: Drop 'em.  
  
(Raiden pulls down Charles pants, and Snake and Liquid cringe as they pull up the Queens nightie)  
  
Fox: (places a hand against the Queens head, and prepares to shove the Tootsie Pop up the Queens poop-chute) This is for Johnny Sasaki! (the Tootsie pop is jammed into place)  
  
Queen: AAAHHH!  
  
Raiden, Fox, Snake and Liquid: LEST WE FORGET!  
  
Fox: (prepares another pop) And this is for Randal Graves! (up it goes)  
  
Queen: Ook!  
  
Raiden, Fox, Snake and Liquid: LEST WE FORGET!  
  
(2 hours and 173 Tootsie Pops later...)  
  
Queen: (on her bed and rubbing her bottom) Ooh, thats going to stop me pooping for a couple of weeks...  
  
Charles: Something long and hard went up my arse...  
  
(everyone looks at Raiden)  
  
Raiden: What? Isn't that what we were doing?  
  
Queen: Moving on, did you redeem all the casualties?  
  
Fox: Think so.  
  
Queen: Good, now I can get back to sleep so that in the morning I can talk with George, Tony and John about how we can cover up the real reasons for the war.  
  
Snake: Tell me, how in Hells name did a woman of your immense ignorance become leader of a country with the most powerful economy in the world?!  
  
Queen: Well, my mum was Queen, so now I'm Queen.  
  
Charles: I'm going to be the next king!  
  
Queen: Of course you are, diddilums.  
  
Fox: Good god, I'm glad we're exiled from this country.  
  
Queen: Well, now that I think about it, genetics is not a very good system of determining executive power. Even the most capable and caring and beloved leader- much less MY greedy, theiving mother- can have an incompetent daughter so mindblowingly stupid that she could singlehandedly flush the worlds greatest nation down the toilet before the populace has a chance to notice- which is exactly what the British press used to say about me before I decreed that is was the civic duty of the press to never question my rule which I then also decreed to be absolute and perfect. So now even THINKING that I'm not a perfect and benevolent ruler is a crime. So now I can do crazy stuff like declare war on Iraq!  
  
Liquid: Iraq never did anything wrong to you.  
  
Queen: They did if I said they did!  
  
Snake: I'm leaving now. If anyone needs me, I'll be back home.  
  
Fox: Me as well.  
  
Liquid: I'm going too.  
  
Raiden: Yay, no more tootsie pops!  
  
(fade out; fade in to see the boys at the door to the Leagues space)  
  
Snake: Let's go in, check out the CD, whack off and sleep till Tuesday.  
  
Fox: It's Monday.  
  
(silence)  
  
Snake: Uh... no shit sherlock! Jesus... (opens the door and his jaw drops) Shit...  
  
(inside, everyone is naked and having a party with chocolate sauce bathtubs and harsh spankings)  
  
Fox: Uh, Snake?  
  
Snake: Mei Ling... Meryl... Colonel... Colonel?!  
  
Raiden: (looks inside and sees everything as normal. Otacon is playing some nerdy game, everyone else is sitting around, playing Gamecube) Huh.  
  
Fox: What's wrong with Snake?  
  
Liquid: Problem with his genetics. His vision sometimes goes insane, so everything he sees is either naked, being spanked, covered in chocolate sauce, or sometimes a mix of the three.  
  
Snake: (talking to noone) Oh yeah... bend over and shake that sauce... mmm...  
  
Fox: Ouch. (pause) Wait, you two are almost identical on the genetic level. What's your insanity vision?  
  
Liquid: Well, uh...  
  
********** LIQUID INSANITY VISION FLASHBACK **********  
  
(Liquid is at the zoo)  
  
Liquid: Doo de doo, just walkin' at the zoo... Hey, what's with that polar bear?  
  
(the polar bear is wearing tight red undies and is dancing on it's hind legs)  
  
Polar Bear: Oh I'm too sexy for my coat, too sexy for my pants, so sex-ay it HUUUURTS!  
  
********** END LIQUID INSANITY VISION FLASHBACK **********  
  
Liquid: Stupid sexy polar bears!  
  
(long pause)  
  
Fox: Uh huh. I'm going to, you know, go inside and play Lord Of The Matrix. (walks into the main area)  
  
Liquid: Lord Of The Matrix? (follows him)  
  
Raiden: (looks at Snake, then looks inside) Ooh, cheesecake! (runs inside)  
  
(fade out; fade in on Mei Ling, Fortune, Ocelot, Snake, Raven and Meryl talking)  
  
Fortune: So, Mei Ling, you have any talents?  
  
Mei Ling: Well, I'm ambidextrious.  
  
Snake: Really? Wow. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrious.  
  
Ocelot: You're an idiot.  
  
Snake: No you're an idiot.  
  
Ocelot: In Russia, we'd call you 'grunikikov'.  
  
Snake: And that means?  
  
Ocelot: 'Stupid crybaby arse licker'!  
  
Raven: Fighting... never... solved... anything.  
  
Fortune: It solved my addiction to vibration and chocolate.  
  
Mei Ling: You can vibrate chocolate?  
  
(long pause)  
  
Snake: That's so nieve, it's turning me on.  
  
(Otacon walks up)  
  
Otacon: You get turned on by watching monkeys rub each other.  
  
Snake: (stands up and points at everyone) You can't prove anything! I'm telling you, it's glandular!  
  
Raiden: (who has also just walked up) Tell us a story, unkie Snake!  
  
Snake: Alright. (smokes a pipe) Well, I was 13 years old, and my thoughts were going South...  
  
(an hour later)  
  
Snake: And that's why Pablo Naso has to pay $300 a month to a male Puerto Rican Jew.  
  
Raiden: Your stories scare me.  
  
Fortune: I suppose they're better then those stories that old hobo tells you.  
  
Raiden: (crosses his arms and raises his head) That's Doctor Hobo. He's a Doctor you know.  
  
********** RAIDEN MEMORY **********  
  
(Hobo is talking to Raiden in a dark alley)  
  
Hobo: Whaddya mean I'm not a doctor. If I'M not a docotorrr, vhy else would I have dis 'ere knife? (holds up a scalpel)  
  
Raiden: You're right, that does make sense. You must be a doctor.  
  
Hobo: Good. Now led's have a liddle look at dat brain of yers... (starts going forward)  
  
********** RAIDEN MEMORY **********  
  
Raiden: (blood starts coming out of his nose) Doctor Hobo helps me.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Snake: That explains so much of your life.  
  
Ocelot: You mean Dr.Hobo is an actual hobo?!  
  
(yet another long pause)  
  
Snake: Idiot.  
  
(fade out; fade in on a shadowy circle of thirteen men sitting around a round table)  
  
Man 1: So it's agreed? We continue to make the American people even stupider, so eventually they'll swarm like lemmings into the nearest ocean. Then Fidel Castro gets the entire country?  
  
(everyone murmurs in agreement)  
  
Man 3: How about we work in a pay rise into this for ourselves?  
  
(everyone murmurs in agreement)  
  
Man 1: Now onto the last order of buisness- it seems that someone is close to unlocking the secret of our little twelve man organisation.  
  
Man 5: I count thirteen.  
  
Man 1: (looks at thirteenth man) For the last time Dubya, get your ass out of here!  
  
Dubya: Awww... (walks off)  
  
Man 1: WAIT!  
  
Dubya: Yeayh?  
  
Man 1: If you and Saddam Hussein do a funny sketch for us, we'll let you stay.  
  
Dubya: Ok, I gots him on my speed-dial...  
  
(fade out; fade in on Solidus and Psycho Mantis)  
  
Solidus: It just freaks me out man. You know what I mean?  
  
Mantis: Uh, no. Maybe you could repeat it again, in case Shade brought you back in after you started.  
  
Solidus: But that's no fun!  
  
Mantis: Fine. Well, my only suggestion is to tell the man how you feel. Don't let your insanity vision get in the way of your relationship.  
  
Solidus: Ok. (pause) Um, Mantis, I think I'm in l-  
  
(Snake runs in)  
  
Snake: Mantis! Dude! We need you to come over to where Otacon is asleep, so we can poke him with sticks!  
  
Mantis: Nah, I don't feel like poking anyone with my stick anymore.  
  
Snake: Man, but you have the hardest stick! But, hey, I have no problem getting my stick out.  
  
Mantis: Actually, you seem to have a lot of trouble.  
  
Snake: Shutup man! I keep telling you, it's glandular!  
  
Solidus: I wouldn't like to touch the sub-text of that with a 10-foot pole.  
  
(fade out; fade in on everyone around the TV)  
  
Otacon: Woo hoo! Time for todays unjustified social commentry from that guy, Shade!  
  
(cut to the TV. It has Shade on it)  
  
Shade: That's right, time for the social comment! You know, I used to be really put down by gay people. They really boiled my beans, if you know what I mean. Then I found out that being gay is the thing to be in todays modern world!  
  
Audience: It is?!  
  
Shade: Yes it is.  
  
Sephiroth-02-01: I was right all along! Yes! You can't beat ME anymore, dad!  
  
Shade: ... Moving on, just look at France! Why is it so cool, you ask? Well, heellooooooo?  
  
(fade to three French men)  
  
French Man 1: I am feeling rather dangerous! How about some EXTREME INTERIOR DECORATING?  
  
French Man 2: OH YEAH! EXTREME FLOOFY THINGS!  
  
French Man 3: I hope those big, muscular police men do not catch us! Wink wink! WINK. THE WINKING IMPLIES OTHERWISE.  
  
Shade V/O: And as we all know, interior decorating is TIGHT! Just listen to Eminem's latest hit!  
  
(fade to an Eminem concert)  
  
Eminem:Oh yeah, I'm riding with my homies,  
  
cuz we're gonna eat at Shoneys!  
  
And afterwards we'll do some  
  
interior decorating  
  
AND THEN WE'LL SHOOT PEOPLE!  
  
Shade V/O: Did you know that being gay is GREAT in picking up chicks? Just watch!  
  
(fade to Pablosky and a hot chick. A subtitle reads 'Scenario A')  
  
Pablosky: Hey baby, wanna go out on the town with a (suddenly changes to bland, dubbed voice) heterosexual male?  
  
Hot Chick: Um... I'm going to go over there. Because I don't like you. At all.  
  
(fade to Shade and the same hot chick. Subtitle reads 'Scenario B')  
  
Shade: I am totally gay.  
  
Hot Chick: (rubbing against Shade) TAKE ME NOW!  
  
Pablosky: I wish I were gay!  
  
Shade V/O: DON'T WE ALL? Why just listen to this made up quote by someone who we'll call Morgan Priestnall!  
  
(Shade pulls up a bit of paper and reads)  
  
Shade: *ahem* 'Being gay is cool, because you get to have sex with other boys, like Leonardo DiCaprio and don't have sex with girls, like Britney Spears or Princess Diana, which is a big plus because those girls are huge skanks and only want your money. And they are diseased. Also Princess Diana is dead which is just gross.'  
  
(fade to Julia Huggett and Luci looking at pictures of Shade)  
  
Julia: Ooooooh! Shade is sooooo dreamy! I just wanna smear grease all over his possibly-gay body!  
  
Luci: Wow, really?  
  
Julia: NO I HATE HIM. And I hope he DIES. With knives. And poison.  
  
(cut back to everyone)  
  
Otacon: Oh, what fun!  
  
Colonel: But not as fun as your training for your mission to uncover secrets of the Patriots!  
  
Snake: Didn't we do that last week?  
  
Colonel: SILENCE! THE MACHINE HAS SPOKEN!  
  
Otacon: What machine?  
  
*silence*  
  
Colonel: Just get to bed.  
  
(fade out; fade in on Snake sleeping in his bed)  
  
Snake: *sleep talking* Mrmmm... damn you, Shogun... how dare you, Bushido... mmm, Kunoichi...  
  
(his phone rings)  
  
Snake: *smacks the answering machine to turn it on*  
  
Machine Message: *to the tune of the Mentos jingle*  
  
Sooo- sorry we cannot take your call  
  
*ba boom boom ba ba*  
  
We're not at home now  
  
We would've answered the phone  
  
But clearly we're not at home  
  
And your call's an important one!  
  
We'll get back to you  
  
You make sure that we do!  
  
Leave a message so we know you called!  
  
Leave a message!  
  
Name and number!  
  
C'mon leave a message!  
  
Start recording   
  
at the tone!  
  
Mentos  
  
The Message Taker  
  
(The Otacons voice comes over the answering machine)  
  
Otacon: SNAKE! You were twelve hours late for the twelve hour intensive training session! Wait a second, why am I calling you?!  
  
(Snakes door is kicked down; the Otacon stands in the doorway)  
  
Snake: Ah! *covers himself with a pillow*  
  
Otacon: Snake, what the hell were you doing last night that made you so late?!  
  
Snake: For your information Hal, I lead a very interesting double life. You see, every night, I turn into the lead singer of Nickelback.  
  
(Otacon smacks Snake)  
  
Snake: Yeah, I get that a lot.  
  
(huge amount of thumping comes from floor upstairs)  
  
Otacon: What the hell could that be?  
  
Snake: I don't know. Maybe its Olga.  
  
Otacon: Maybe its the Colonel.  
  
Snake: Maybe its the Colonel AND Olga.  
  
********** IN THEIR IMAGINATION **********  
  
(Olga and the Colonel are in bed together, buck naked. Olga takes a swig of whiskey while the Colonel smoke a cigarette)  
  
Olga: (puts bottle down) Ready to go again soldier?  
  
Colonel: (puts cigarette down) Topped, locked and ready to rock.  
  
(they dive on each other)  
  
********** IN THEIR IMAGINATION **********  
  
(both Snake and Otacon shudder)  
  
Otacon: Should I check?  
  
Snake: You WANT to see the Colonel and Olga getting it on?  
  
Otacon: Not really, no.  
  
(Olga is seen walking past the doorway)  
  
Olga: Hey guys.  
  
Snake: STAY AWAY FROM ME, SHE-HELLION! (runs off)  
  
Olga: What's his problem?  
  
Otacon: He thought you were getting it on with the Colonel.  
  
Olga: Oh. That was easily an hour ago.  
  
Otacon: Then whats the noise upstairs?  
  
Olga: Liquid and his roomies having a lightswitch rave.  
  
Otacon: Lightswitch rave?  
  
(camera passes through the floor to show Liquid by the lightswitch in his room, constantly flicking the switch on and off. Ocelot is doing a robot dance while Solidus throws a glowstick around and bounces up and down)  
  
Liquid: (hand over his mouth) Dom dom dom dom doddaldom dom dom doddaldom doddaldom-  
  
(Campbell bursts in)  
  
Campbell: I told you guys NOT to have lightswitch raves before 8 o'clock!  
  
Liquid: Aww...  
  
Solidus: DAMN THE PATRIOTS AND THEIR INFERNAL CANCELLING OF LIGHTSWITCH RAVES!!!  
  
Ocelot: (with a heavy Mexican accent) Holy crap!  
  
Campbell: I need everyone down in the meeting room, right now!  
  
(fade out; fade in on everyone sitting down, apart from the Colonel who is standing at a podium)  
  
Colonel: Ladies and gentlemen, I have brought you here to announce the new plan for infiltrating the Patriots, without the monkeys.  
  
Solidus: But... the monkeys! They are vital for any infiltration against the thrice-damned Patriots! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!  
  
(long silence)  
  
Colonel: Anyway, we have discovered that The Patriots are having their annual Patriopaloooza next week, and they need boy bands to entertain them. So, we are going to create a boy band.  
  
Snake: Are you sure we can pass it off?  
  
Colonel: Trust me Snake, being an avid boy band lover for the past fifty-odd years has it's benefits. Now then, after much research, I have deduced that there are five crucial members to a boy band, and I shall point at you to tell you your role. First off, we have the fat one. (points at Fatman)  
  
Fatman: Zuh?  
  
Colonel: (points at Raiden) The dumb one.  
  
Raiden: Hee hee, manatee.  
  
Colonel: (points at Vamp) The good-looking-but-usually-boring one.  
  
Vamp: (in his usual monotone voice) I brushed my teeth with human blood yesterday. And then I ate a muffin. It was delicious.  
  
Colonel: (points at Snake) The fake tough guy, aka the poser.  
  
Snake: WHAT?!  
  
Colonel: And, (points at Liquid) the dying one. That is all, meet back here in an hour.  
  
Fatman: (eats cake) I can't believe I'm the fat one. (eats more cake)  
  
Liquid: I can't believe I'm the dying one! (pause) Can someone take me to a hospital?  
  
Snake: Just shutup.  
  
(fade out; fade in on the five boy band members amassed around the Colonel in the meeting room)  
  
Colonel: Now boys, you're going to need new names to fit in with the other bands. So, you're all going to get a new first name, and a last initial.  
  
Snake: Why not a full last name?  
  
Colonel: Because that would be playing God. Now then, Fatman, your new name is James G.  
  
Fatman: Ok..... why am I the fat one again?  
  
Colonel: Ignoring you. Now then, Raiden, you're Adam L.  
  
Raiden: Why not Jack?  
  
Colonel: Because Jack is a pussy name. Now then, Vamp, you're Morgan P.  
  
Vamp: There is no way in Hell my name is going to be Morgan.  
  
Colonel: Jesse?  
  
Vamp: You will die.  
  
Colonel: Annette?!  
  
Vamp: That's a girls name.  
  
Colonel: Oh yeah... Ethan?  
  
Vamp: *sigh* Fine.  
  
Colonel: Alright then, Ethan P. Now then, Snake, you're Iriquois P.  
  
Snake: But that's the name I used on the Big Shell!  
  
Colonel: Yes, but it sounds tougher then you really are. Finally, Liquid is Marty Lee, pronounced Morty Lee.  
  
Liquid: Why won't someone take me to a hospital, damnit!?  
  
Colonel: Alright boys, we'll be going to the concert tomorrow night. Dismissed!  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shade: And so, I leave you on a terrible, foreshadowing note. Freaky, no? Anyway, remember to give me your e-mail so you can recieve the first 3 episodes of the Death Duel series! And I most assuredly WILL take suggestion for the rest of them, all the way up to the Grand Final!   
  
And, if there is enough votes for it, I will make ones featuring YOU, the readers and authors! What if me and Pablosky teamed up on TheFluffyOne and... someone else?! Find out next time I decide to do this on...  
  
-----THE LEAGUE OF PRETTY UNORDINARY GENTLE MEN AND WOMEN-----  
  
End. 


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